Friday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2012

Big week! Little jokes.

At the Republican National Convention, John Sununu said that gay marriage is "too complicated" to discuss at the convention, leading me to believe John Sununu has no idea how sex works.

Fact checkers analyzed Paul Ryan's convention speech, finding it to be rife with lies and misleading information. So, he's ready for national politics.

Rep. Ryan also promised to create 12 million new jobs in the next four years, leading to to much rejoicing in Mumbai.

In his acceptance speech at the RNC last night, Mitt Romney promised he will increase the return on investment for his donors.

Hurricane Isaac is slowing as it leaves Louisiana, probably because of all the booze and fried food.

A federal appeals court struck down the new Texas voter ID law, much to the anger of Texas lawmakers who accused the the court of subverting the democratic process. And that's the job of the Texas legislature.

Volvo is cutting their production of new cars by ten percent. In a related story, Kohl's is reducing their production of boring beige sweater vests.

And finally, a recent medical study found that monkeys who live on a reduced calorie diet don't live any longer than other monkeys. It just feels that way.

Speaking of feeling that way, I feel like this blog is over. Hope you tolerated it!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012

Good morning, my friends.

Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.

Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."

In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.

A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.

Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.

Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.

Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.

Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...

And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.

That's the end!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012

What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.

At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.

In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.

In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.

Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.

A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.

United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.

News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.

And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."

Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2012

Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.

Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.

In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.

European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.

The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."

The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.

That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.

Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.

A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.

And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 27, 2012

Given that the GOP convention hasn't started yet, I thought I'd do the Gulf Coast a favor and share some hurricane survival tips, as well as re-run last year's hurricane special. And really, what are we about here if not public service? Enjoy this fully justified excuse for me not watching the news today!

Tip #1: Call ahead when evacuating to make sure you're not wearing the same thing as your friends.

Tip #2: In a post-hurricane disaster, cash will be worthless. Instead, be sure to stock up on intrinsically valuable things, like the love of a good woman or the music of Justin Bieber.

Tip #3: Isaac is a stupid name for a hurricane. Therefore, it probably won't be that dangerous. Dress accordingly.

Tip #4: The hurricane's only natural enemy is the mountain lion. See if you can find one, and then make friends with it. This should take no longer than ten minutes.

Tip #5: When explaining your experiences to others after the hurricane, be sure to make liberal use of the phrase "You weren't there, man! You don't know!"

Tip #6: Early settlers believed that drinking Hurricanes would appease the angry hurricane god, and save the inebriated person from the storm. It's not true, but that's still one tasty superstition.

Tip #6: Try not to schedule any important, nationally televised, massive gatherings in hurricane-prone areas this time of year. But what kind of jackass would do that?

Tip #7: Bring an umbrella.

Tip #8: If at any time the power goes out, start screaming. Yeah, that will help.

And now, a blast from the past!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2011

Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).

Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.

Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.

Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.

Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.

Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.

Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.

Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.

Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.

That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.

Until then, have a great day!

Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012

Love it or leave it. Please love it!

Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.

Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?

Hey, remember Syria?

The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.

Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?

Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.

Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.

Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.

Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.

A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.

Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.

And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.

That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2012

Twenty-three-skidoo! Have some jokes, my friends.

A recent medical study found "drinking alcohol while pregnant has long-lasting effects in children." It's also a problem for adults.

In Michigan, a fleet of talking smart cars are taking to the city streets. They tried it in New Jersey, but the cars wouldn't stop swearing.

Logitech unveiled a washable computer keyboard, which is great for... you know. Whatever. It's just great.

Missouri douchebag Todd Aikin said he is staying in the race because of his faith. Makes sense. God only knows why anyone would support him now.

Danish wind turbine firm Vestas cut 1,400 jobs, due to the market sucking. They really needed it to blow.

Korean rapper Psy is finding fame on the Internet thanks to a viral video of his horse-riding dance. Ann Romney is already attempting to purchase him for the 2016 Olympics.

Ecuador's volcano Tungurahua continues to spew lava and rocks, as American tourists in Ecuador continue to spew tequila on the rocks.

And finally, Minnesota state representative Gauthier dropped out of his upcoming race due to his recent sex scandal. A distraught Gauthier said he really wished he'd done something forgivable like make crazy assertions about female biology.

Anyway, that's all. Till next time!