Hey, friends! Let's see what's happening now. Or yesterday, actually.
A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.
Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.
Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.
A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."
In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.
A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.
After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.
And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.
Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!
Showing posts with label ricky gervais. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ricky gervais. Show all posts
Monday, January 16, 2012
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 17, 2011
Hi, everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful time of day. Or night. Oh, the beauty of asynchronous media! Well, whatever. I hope you didn't wait too long to read these jokes, because it's topical humor. Well, judge for yourself.
The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.
In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.
Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.
Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.
This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.
Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.
In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.
I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.
And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.
I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.
And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,
The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.
In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.
Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.
Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.
This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.
Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.
In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.
I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.
And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.
I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.
And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,
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