Thursday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2013

Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.

New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.

A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.

Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.

In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.

The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.

A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.

And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?

That's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012

Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.

In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.

Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"

And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.

Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."

A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.

In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.

An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.

Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.

And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Okay, that's all.