Former Congressman and NYC Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner was involved in fender-bender Saturday morning. Three women have already come forward to say he was on his phone at the time, sending them pictures of the "gear shift," if you know what I mean.
Justin Timberlake won big at the Video Music Awards this weekend. He also made Joan Rivers' "Best Dressed List" thanks to how he cleverly accessorized his outfit with an old, kitschy boy band.
Also at the VMAs, rapper Eminem took the opportunity to announce his upcoming album, Hey, Remember Eminem? Come On, He's Still Cool!
In Scotland, tickets to the annual Fringe comedy festival were up by 5% over year, raising attendance to a record-high 21 people.
JC Penney's largest investor has bailed out, saying that things for the company were getting ugly. And for JC Penney's biggest investor, you know things have to get pretty ugly for him to have a problem.
The New York Attorney General is suing Donald Trump for running a bogus university that served as a pyramid scheme for the famous douchebag. Fortunately, the Donald Trump School of Hair Design will not be affected.
Starbucks announced it will soon be opening a location in Colombia, where eager customers are already lining up to have their names mispronounced.
And finally, health clubs are offering trampolines as part of group fitness classes. It's great for muscle tone, but you have to pay extra for the "We'll Set Your Broken Bones" package. Stupid upcharges.
Showing posts with label new york. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new york. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013
Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 28, 2013
GE plans to invest billions of dollars in the controversial and possibly environmentally dangerous technology called "Fracking." But that's nothing compared to what they invested in Jay Leno.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.
New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.
In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.
He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.
The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.
Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.
In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."
And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.
So endeth the blog post.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.
New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.
In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.
He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.
The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.
Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.
In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."
And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.
So endeth the blog post.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Wednesday Morning Blog - May 8, 2013
Greek workers recently staged a 24-hour anti-austerity protest. If they could just get sponsors for these things, the who economic crisis would be wrapped up in no time.
In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.
Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.
Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.
This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.
In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.
Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.
Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.
And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.
That's it!
In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.
Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.
Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.
This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.
In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.
Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.
Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.
And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.
That's it!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012
Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.
The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!
In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.
After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”
Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.
A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”
In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.
And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”
And that’s it! Later, gaters.
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