More jokes!
In Russia, an Islamist sect was found living underground for nearly a decade. Some of them had never seen the sun at all. It’s almost like they’d been playing World of Warcraft.
Gallup revealed that Congress’ approval rating is at an all-time low this year, making John Boenher and Harry Reid the Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake of sucking at government.
Stuntman and douchebag Bam Margera was detained and handcuffed at the airport this week for reeking of booze. He was also detained and handcuffed at Whole Foods for reeking of booze, and at the Zoo, and the mall... He’s got problems.
Zoologists in Florida captured a giant python this week, and found it was carrying over 80 eggs. They’re speculating that it was in Florida hoping to talk shop with the Octomom.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to deliver the keynote speech at this year’s GOP convention. It’s going to be the first time the speech has to be bleeped.
Things are looking bad at Groupon, the daily deals website. Rumor is that their salespeople are ready to jump ship, which would explain why the website is offering so many deals on cheap salesman rentals.
In India, police blocked famous yoga guru Baba Ramdev from marching on parliament to protest corruption. However, he was allowed to defiantly crabwalk on city hall. Baby steps.
And finally, according to a recent workplace satisfaction study, Facebook is no longer one of the greatest places to work. It is still one of the greatest ways to waste time at work.
More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label octomom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label octomom. Show all posts
Monday, August 20, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2012
I sure hope you don't waste today sitting around, staring at a stupid screen all day. Unless you're reading my blog, of course. Jokes commencing!
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012
Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2012
Happy hump day. Read that how you will. Got a lot to get through today, hope you're ready for it. Alright, let's get serious.
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2012
No time for joviality. We've got jokes to get through.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2011
Good morning and Happy Monday to you all! Now, for the jokes:
Violence continued in Egypt all weekend as protesters demanded the removal of President Hosni Mubarak from power. In the midst of this chaos, which threatens to topple the government, President Mubarak appointed Omar Suleiman as his Vice President. Good luck to VP Suleiman in this new and exciting phase of his career!
Violence continued in Egypt all weekend as protesters demanded the removal of President Hosni Mubarak from power. In the midst of this chaos, which threatens to topple the government, President Mubarak appointed Omar Suleiman as his Vice President. Good luck to VP Suleiman in this new and exciting phase of his career!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
The Indian government is razing a block of apartments in Mumbai that has been at the center of a corruption scandal. In a similar move, plans are underway to burn down several hospitals that are widely known centers of illness and disease.
The Indian government is razing a block of apartments in Mumbai that has been at the center of a corruption scandal. In a similar move, plans are underway to burn down several hospitals that are widely known centers of illness and disease.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2010
Alright, lets’ get to it.
The East Coast is digging itself out from under massive snow drifts after this weekend’s blizzard. New Yorkers aren't complaining though, as the snow is blocking the smell of the homeless people. Also, now they look like snowmen. Sad, angry snowmen.
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