In Italy, a new national coalition government was just sworn in, marking the end of a period of great hope for the European Union.
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
Showing posts with label election. Show all posts
Showing posts with label election. Show all posts
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2012
CEO of Waffle House, Joe W. Rogers, Jr., said that he's been blackmailed over an affair with his maid, and that he's a victim of his own stupidity. That also describes the typical Waffle House patron.
Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.
In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.
In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."
Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.
In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.
Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.
And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...
That's all, yolks.
Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.
In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.
In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."
Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.
In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.
Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.
And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...
That's all, yolks.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 6, 2012
Hi all. Rather than normal jokes, I've culled a series of thoughtful bits of political discourse from my Twitter feed. Now go vote (Obama/Biden, that is).
BTW, Romney cares more about his horse than he does about rising sea levels. And he doesn't care about that horse AT ALL.
That awkward moment when Mitt Romney realizes his campaign hats were made in China, but he could have gotten them cheaper from Indonesia.
Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"
Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.
I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.
FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.
I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.
What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?
Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."
Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.
Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"
Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.
I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.
FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.
I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.
What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?
Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."
Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.
Thanks to Ohio voters, we can be sure that LeBron James will never be President.
This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.
Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.
If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.
Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.
Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?
John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.
This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.
Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.
If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.
Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.
Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?
John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.
I want to know what kind of calculator Nate Silver uses. I bet it's a special TI-85, where all the buttons lean to the left.
Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.
Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.
Telling everyone to vote is like telling everyone they should be parents. Some people just aren't ready yet. Get informed first.
That's all. Cheers!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 25, 2012
Welcome back! Anything happen at the Emmy's? No? Okay, moving on.
In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.
Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.
Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.
Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.
Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.
The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.
Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.
And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.
Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!
In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.
Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.
Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.
Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.
Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.
The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.
Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.
And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.
Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012
Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.
Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?
In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.
In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.
And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.
That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.
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