Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013

Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.

In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.

Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.

Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.

Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.

AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.

Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.

A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.

At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.

And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.

Have a great weekend!

Friday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2012

Happy Friday, people. And 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100100 01100001 01111001 to all my computer friends. Let's laugh it out.

This week, President Obama pledged to do everything in his power to curb gun violence after the Pentagon assured him that drone strikes don't use guns.

Several cases of the flu in Indiana were traced back to pigs at a county fair, leading organizers to close down the ever-popular "make out with a pig" booth. Sad day.

Mitt Romney went to London this week, and proceeded to piss of the city when he called the city unprepared for the Olympics. Yeah, how embarrassing, when you're on the world stage like that and you're just not ready.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating on her costar/boyfriend this week. She tried to deny it, but of course, no one believed her. Because she's a terrible actress.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un got married in a private ceremony, attended only by family, their closest friends and a low-yield nuclear bomb.

The Romney camp denied that an adviser to the campaign said President Obama didn't understand America's "Anglo-Saxon" heritage. They did clarify that all they were trying to say is that President Obama is way more black than most Americans.

A bunch of bears trashed a luxury home in Bearsville, New York, this week. Presumably after a blond chick trashed their place first.

And finally, film star Jeremy Renner said in an interview that he "accidentally" took Viagra on a recent plane trip. It was the hardest trip he ever took.

Yep, going out on a dick joke. Have a great weekend!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012

Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!

NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.

In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.

The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.

In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.

In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.

A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.

Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.

And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.

And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011

Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!

Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.

In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.

In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.

A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.

Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.

A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.

On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.

And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!

Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 10, 2011

Welcome to the brand new Late Night Morning Way Back Wednesday. The kids have all been asking, "hey, what would snarky topical humor have been like in August of 1911?" Here it is, kids. You're welcome.

Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.

Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.

Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.

Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!

Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.

In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!

In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.

In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.

And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.

That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!

Until then, have a great day.

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 17, 2011

Welcome back, hope you're having a wonderful (whatever time of day you're experiencing)! We've got a great blog for you today, so let's get to it!

Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."

In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.

In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.

In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.

In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.

Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.

Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.

And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."

That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!