Thursday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2013

In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?

In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.

At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.

Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to Google.com

Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.

Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."

In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.

Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.

A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.

First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.

In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"

And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2013

Let's get to it.

In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.

In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.

In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.

The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...

In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.

Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.

Thought I'd say "eggs," right?

And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.

And that's it? They'll get better.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013

Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.

Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.

On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.

In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.

Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."

A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.

I don't know what that means.

A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.

Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"

And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.

And that's it! Later, cats.