Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.

In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?

Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.

Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.

In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?

Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.

Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.

And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.

Sponshorships are still available!

Wednesday Morning Blog - May 8, 2013

Greek workers recently staged a 24-hour anti-austerity protest. If they could just get sponsors for these things, the who economic crisis would be wrapped up in no time.

In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.

Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.

Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.

This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.

In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.

Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.

Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.

And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.

That's it!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2013

Let's get to it.

In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.

In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.

In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.

The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...

In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.

Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.

Thought I'd say "eggs," right?

And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.

And that's it? They'll get better.

Monday Morning Monologue - April 1, 2013

Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.

Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.

A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.

The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.

The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.

Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.

That joke sucked.

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."

Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.

And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.

That's it!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012

Happy new year.

In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.

The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.

Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.

Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.

New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.

Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.

Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.

Anonymous is fine.

And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."

THANK YOU!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012

Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.

Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.

Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."

Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.

A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.

YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.

NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?

Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.

And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!

Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012

Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!

NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.

In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.

The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.

In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.

In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.

A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.

Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.

And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.

And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 23, 2012

Joy! It's joke time again!

Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."

Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.

A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.

In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.

Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.

Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."

Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."

And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.

Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2012

Let me tell you a little story. Actually, eight little stories. And they're not stories, so much as they are jokes. And I won't tell them to you. I'll just publish them on my blog, and you can read them or not. My God, I can be tiresome sometimes.

Enjoy.

Two men were stopped at the US/Canadian border when customs agents found them to be in possession of "illegal candy." The contraband was uncovered by the world's fattest police dog.

Two cousins in Ohio cleaning out a their aunt's house found a stash of rare baseball cards worth an estimated $3 million. They can't wait to hear how great the cards sound once they put them in their bicycle spokes.

Google Maps unveiled new "Street View" content of Antarctica, taken by what must have been the most hated intern in history.

The Chinese government is claiming that the Great Wall of China is longer than previously thought. Historians are now arguing that it was really cold when they first measured it.

There's a video making the rounds on the Internet right now of a man proposing to his girlfriend to the tune of an old Toyota pickup commercial song. The point being, I guess, is that he's happy to be with her now until she starts breaking down and/or he can afford something better.

If you ain't no chump, holla "WE WANT PRE-NUP!"

Researches found recently that the high cost of dental care keeps many Americans from receiving proper treatment. Also: drills are scary.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said yesterday that "the window is closing" for peace in Syria. By the way, Jay Carney thinks that "windows" are magical time-machines that can change the past.

And finally, cycling star Frank Schleck said he "formally rejects" test results that indicate he used banned substances, saying that someone must have tampered with his penis.

BOOMSHAKALAKA. Have a classy day, Internet.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2012

You guys like jokes and stuff?

Actor and human wall Michael Clarke Duncan survived a heart attack last week thanks to the heroic actions of his girlfriend, Omarosa, who found him and performed CPR on the 325lb man. The only downside is that he can never win another argument with her again.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao promised to focus on job creation going forward, to which a confused Speaker Boehner replied "China's going to try and outlaw abortion?"

Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said this week that she blames the increase in drug trafficking and unchecked arms sales for the increased violence in Africa over the last decade. She also blamed gravity for making stuff fall.

In Olympic news, Jamaican runner Yohan Blake said that his close friendship with fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt will survive no matter what happens at the London Olympics, to which Bolt replied "I'm totally going to bang your wife at the Olympics. HIGH FIVE!"

In Akron, Ohio, a 37 year-old single mother has been panhandling on the streets, trying to raise money for breast impants, which she says will help raise her self-esteem. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me!

In New York, Katie Holmes enrolled her daughter Suri in Catholic school, because she didn't want her child indoctrinated into a cult.

In Arizona, famed sheriff Joe Arpaio was shocked to hear he was the target of a profanity-filled comedy routine from George Lopez. George Lopez was shocked to hear that Joe Arpaio gave a damn what a Latino had to say.

And finally, former Governor John Sununu, while campaigning for Mitt Romney, said he wished that President Obama "would learn to be an American." Sununu clarified his comment later, saying that he only meant the President "should be quite a bit fatter."

And that's... how you end... your... bloooooooooooooooooooooog! You were meant to imagine me singing and dancing that last part, like the end of a big Broadway showstopper. Go back and read it again with that in mind. Pretty sweet, right? Okay, see you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012

Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.

A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.

In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.

The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.

NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.

Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."

President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.

A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.

And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.

C'est fini!

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012

Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.

Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.

Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.

Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.

Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.

And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.

Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2012

Happy Wednesday. Are you surviving the heat? If you aren't then you're probably dead, and at the risk of sounding prejudiced, I don't want dead people reading my blog. Go read the Drudge Report or something.

If you're not dead, then I have some tips for you on surviving the summer heat that are about as useful as people asking you if it is hot enough for you. Hate those guys...

* Ancient Egyptians used to spread crocodile dung on their skin to keep cool. Try it! And post your results on YouTube.

* In the 1920s, people used to go to the movie theaters to stay cool. Build a time machine, go back to the 1920s and enjoy all the ice-cooled air you can stand! Oh, and also, maybe try and do something about that Hitler fella.

* Mammals are warm-blooded. Therefore, the more blood in your body, the hotter you're going to be. See if you can't do something about that.

* Move north.

* Buddhists believe that our desire is the source of our suffering. So, if you're suffering in the heat, it's your own fault, you greedy asshole.

* Nerves carry sensory data, like heat, to our brains. Lots of household cleaning products cause nerve damage. You do the math.

* Get naked. Unless you are ugly.

* Turn up the air conditioner, numbnuts. It's too late to do anything about climate change, so go crazy!

That's all for now! Stay cool, Internet!

Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012

Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!

Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.

In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.

Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.

Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.

An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.

Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.

French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.

She's hot.

And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012

Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.

The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.

Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.

An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.

In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.

Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.

In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."

In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.

And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.

And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.

Friday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2012

Jokes on Friday!? WHY NOT!

Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.

In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.

Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.

By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.

Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.

Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.

Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."

In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.

And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.

And that's how it goes.

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012

You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.

A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.

In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.

T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.

A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on Orbitz.com than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.

A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.

Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.

Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.

And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.

C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012

Let the weird and fast continue!

Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.

Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.

Whitney sucks.

Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm Face.com. No word yet on their attempts to purchase Book.com. Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."

Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.

Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.

Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.

Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.

And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.

Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.

Monday Morning Monologue - June 18, 2012

Gonna make this quick and weird, 'cause I'm on vacation/recovering from surgery/getting married this week. And with that, let's get to joking!

A top secret spy plane operated by the US Air Force has reportedly returned to Earth after spending an impressive 469 days in orbit, say mission commanders who are not familiar with the phrase "top secret."

In Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood is claiming victory in national elections, thanks in large part to their platform of "Jobs, financial responsibility and education." Wait, no, hold on a second, that platform was actually "Fuck Israel."

In other politics, Greece's center-right pro-bailout coalition won a slim victory in parliamentary elections, narrowly beating out the Night Rider from Mad Max and Tina Turner's character from Beyond Thunderdome.

In New York, protesters staged a silent march against the NYPD's stop-and-frisk tactics of targeting minority youths for police harassment. The march lasted longer than planned, though, as the cops stopped and frisked every young minority they saw.

The Roman Catholic Church has dismissed a poll suggesting the majority of people in Scotland support same-sex marriage, saying the poll is faulty due to its "reliance on scientific methodology."

Governor Romney called President Obama's decision to stop deporting illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children an election-year political move meant to capitalize on the human emotion of love for children.

In Oregon, a 67 year-old woman was trapped under a dresser for four days. Next time, buy Ikea. No one ever got trapped under a piece of furniture that falls apart in a strong breeze.

And finally, an Oregon man contracted the plague recently after trying to remove a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat. Said the man, "it's okay, this is actually a two-fer on my 'Incredibly Disgusting' scavenger hunt."

Soap, people.