Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013

Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.

Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.

Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.

Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."

Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.

Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!

Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.

And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.

Cheers!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 15, 2013

Google is set to spent $500 million promoting the new Motorola "Moto X" phone, which it turns out is slightly less than it would have cost to just make a good phone in the first place.

Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!

In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.

In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.

China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.

Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.

In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.

And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.

HE'S OLD!

And that's it for today.