Happy Halloween, everyone! Here's some tips and history for your enjoyment of this most presently happening holiday.
1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.
2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.
3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.
4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.
5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.
6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.
7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.
8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.
That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!
Showing posts with label halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label halloween. Show all posts
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
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