Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
Showing posts with label herman cain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label herman cain. Show all posts
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 15, 2011
Good morning, everyone! I've discovered through a hands-on test that my new Lenovo laptop is tougher than a bowl of Nissin Oriental Ramen Soup. Haven't tested other recipes, but so far the $300 computer has beaten the $0.39 soup packet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. Crossed fingers make it hard to type jokes, by the way, so I hope you laugh extra-hard at these.
Gary Busey rescinded his endorsement of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, saying that Newt was going to have "work a lot harder" to keep Busey from endorsing him again. Meanwhile, Christine O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney, so this has been a good week for Ron Paul.
A recent study found that one in five women in the U.S.A. have been the victims of sexual assault. That number is horrifying, and we can't blame them all on Herman Cain.
Speaking of blame, The Jersey Shore was the most watched cable series in 2011. I don't have a joke here, just hoping to shame anyone who has been watching it. Shaaaaame.
Matthew McConaughey shaved his head this week. I guess he's taking his breakup with Kevin Federline tougher than we thought.
Speaking of single, on Ellen this week, Charlize Theron said she is "really enjoying" being single. No, really. Seriously. Why won't you believe that?!
Time Magazine named The Protester as it's Person of the Year. They would have singled out an individual protester, but the editors at Time think all poor people look alike.
The number of married couples in the U.S. is at an all time low, probably because more and more Americans are horrible people that no one can stand to be around. That would explain the high numbers for The Jersey Shore.
And finally, Barbara Walters revealed that the Kardashians and Donald Trump made her Most Fascinating List for 2011. Other top contenders for the list: A train wreck and a burning house.
And that's all for me this week. Thanks for reading! See you on Monday. Until then, enjoy Spencer's work tomorrow, and have a great weekend!
Gary Busey rescinded his endorsement of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, saying that Newt was going to have "work a lot harder" to keep Busey from endorsing him again. Meanwhile, Christine O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney, so this has been a good week for Ron Paul.
A recent study found that one in five women in the U.S.A. have been the victims of sexual assault. That number is horrifying, and we can't blame them all on Herman Cain.
Speaking of blame, The Jersey Shore was the most watched cable series in 2011. I don't have a joke here, just hoping to shame anyone who has been watching it. Shaaaaame.
Matthew McConaughey shaved his head this week. I guess he's taking his breakup with Kevin Federline tougher than we thought.
Speaking of single, on Ellen this week, Charlize Theron said she is "really enjoying" being single. No, really. Seriously. Why won't you believe that?!
Time Magazine named The Protester as it's Person of the Year. They would have singled out an individual protester, but the editors at Time think all poor people look alike.
The number of married couples in the U.S. is at an all time low, probably because more and more Americans are horrible people that no one can stand to be around. That would explain the high numbers for The Jersey Shore.
And finally, Barbara Walters revealed that the Kardashians and Donald Trump made her Most Fascinating List for 2011. Other top contenders for the list: A train wreck and a burning house.
And that's all for me this week. Thanks for reading! See you on Monday. Until then, enjoy Spencer's work tomorrow, and have a great weekend!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 30, 2011
Begin coasting now, everyone. It's the middle of the week. Time to not give a damn. Except for jokes. You should always take jokes seriously. Like these, for instance.
Herman Cain said yesterday that due to the latest allegations that he has been having an affair, he will "reassess" his campaign, which likely means he will be looking for a new piece of ass on his campaign staff.
He likes the ladies.
Good news, book fans! Fahrenheit 451, the cautionary tale of technology's power to sap our humanity, is finally out as an eBook. This is great, because I was looking for a way to read great sci-fi literature while still signaling to the world that I in no way understand what I'm reading.
Speaking of not getting it, Miley Cyrus came out in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement. No comment yet from Hannah Montana.
The Gay Softball World Series settled a suit from three players who were banned in 2008 because they were suspected of not being gay. I can't tell if this is a step forward for gay rights or not.
In Connecticut, a pair of wealth fund managers won a $254 million lottery prize this weekend. One of them said, "wow, this would be really exciting if I weren't already so wealthy!"
John Hinckley is petitioning for release from a D.C. mental hospital on the grounds that he's no longer a danger to society as it turns out Reagan is dead and Jodie Foster is a lesbian.
In the UK, a toilet designer is working on urinal video games to "combat boredom" in the bathroom. The first game is "Space Invaders," but it has more to do with people who stand too close to you while you pee. Also, you really should wash your hands after touching the joystick.
And finally, the National Institute of Health in the UK found that patients in admitted to the hospital on the weekend are more likely to die than people admitted during the week. So, plan your heart attacks accordingly.
See, told you it was time to coast. I hope you enjoyed these, and hope you'll check out more tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Herman Cain said yesterday that due to the latest allegations that he has been having an affair, he will "reassess" his campaign, which likely means he will be looking for a new piece of ass on his campaign staff.
He likes the ladies.
Good news, book fans! Fahrenheit 451, the cautionary tale of technology's power to sap our humanity, is finally out as an eBook. This is great, because I was looking for a way to read great sci-fi literature while still signaling to the world that I in no way understand what I'm reading.
Speaking of not getting it, Miley Cyrus came out in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement. No comment yet from Hannah Montana.
The Gay Softball World Series settled a suit from three players who were banned in 2008 because they were suspected of not being gay. I can't tell if this is a step forward for gay rights or not.
In Connecticut, a pair of wealth fund managers won a $254 million lottery prize this weekend. One of them said, "wow, this would be really exciting if I weren't already so wealthy!"
John Hinckley is petitioning for release from a D.C. mental hospital on the grounds that he's no longer a danger to society as it turns out Reagan is dead and Jodie Foster is a lesbian.
In the UK, a toilet designer is working on urinal video games to "combat boredom" in the bathroom. The first game is "Space Invaders," but it has more to do with people who stand too close to you while you pee. Also, you really should wash your hands after touching the joystick.
And finally, the National Institute of Health in the UK found that patients in admitted to the hospital on the weekend are more likely to die than people admitted during the week. So, plan your heart attacks accordingly.
See, told you it was time to coast. I hope you enjoyed these, and hope you'll check out more tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2011
Hey, how are you doing? Yes, you specifically. Are you having a great day? Goodness, it's difficult to feign interest. But then again, you're reading this, aren't you? And now for jokes...
Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.
Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.
In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.
In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.
In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.
UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."
"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.
In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.
And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.
Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!
Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.
Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.
In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.
In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.
In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.
UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."
"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.
In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.
And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.
Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 23, 2011
Better late than never? We'll see about that. Here's 1.5 blogs for you.
President Obama pardoned the White House turkey today, which is good news for other turkeys who are similar prisoners of conscience.
In France, hundreds of protesters blocked a train filled with nuclear waste headed for Germany. Although most of them were just hoping to get super powers.
In the UK over the weekend, the television series Dr. Who accidentally received an award meant for another series. But don't worry, they can just hop in the TARDIS and fix it. Right, nerds?
Newt Gingrich, the new GOP presidential frontrunner, is calling for a "humane" stance on immigration, in the clearest indication yet that he doesn't actually want to be president.
Due to the spread of Facebook and Twitter, sociologists now estimate that each person is separated from every other person by 4.72 people, instead of six, which means that 1.28 people are no longer necessary. I think I just figured out unemployment.
In financial news, Netflix is selling $200 million in bonds. But they're not calling them bonds. But then they are. But they're actually twice as expensive. But then they're not. But at least you can get them on your iPhone.
On the 700 Club, holy roller Pat Robinson caused some trouble this week when he asked if "mac and cheese" was a "black thing." In his defense, however, it should be noted that he's a xenophobic old coot who is out of touch with society and reality.
Herman Cain signed a hard-line pro-life pledge today. Maybe that's not so shocking, considering how he already seems to think he's in control of women's bodies.
Michele Bachmann is demanding an apology from musician Questlove for playing the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Makes sense considering her performance in the debate last night.
Legendary stylist Guido Palau said in an interview this week that Kim Kardashian is "our generation's Marilyn Monroe." Kim, you might want to think twice if Guido offers you any pills.
And finally, astronomers and biologists ranked the livability of earth-like planets located in other solar systems. They examined the planets in terms of gravity, distance from their suns, and proximity to Starbucks.
And that's all! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 8, 2011
Good morning, friends and strangers! And good morning to my stranger friends. You know who you are. But who am I to judge? After all, I wrote these ridiculous jokes, which you're about to read. Enjoy!
In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.
A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.
Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.
In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.
At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.
International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.
And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.
And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.
A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.
Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.
In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.
At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.
International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.
And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.
And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011
Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011
Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 1, 2011
How's your sugar hangover? A little hair of the pixie that bit ya would help. Keep the sugar flowing! Also flowing, some mad sick jokes, yo.
GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment recently. This could be because he patterned his behavior toward women after Leisure Suit Larry.
Comedian and television host Bill O'Reilly is writing two more books, just in case you were having trouble distinguishing which of your neighbors are douchebags.
There are now seven billion humans, which means that 7.71428571 × 10-9 percent of the Earth read my blog yesterday! WAHOO!
Andrew Madoff, son of world-class asshole Bernie Madoff, said the week that he never once suspected his father of running a Ponzi scheme. In a related story, Andrew Madoff has been cheated on by every woman he's ever dated.
A new economic report found that the world is "on verge of a new recession." This report was issued by the Institute of Stuff We Knew a Year Ago.
During the eulogy for the late Steve Jobs, his sister said "death didn't happen to Steve, he achieved it." I've never been so happy to be an underachiever.
A Spanish village is divided over whether or not to keep the "Smurf" makeover it received as part of the international promotion for the recent Smurfs film. Half of the residents want to keep the Smurfiness, while the other half aren't socially awkward children from 1984.
And finally, Jackass "star" Bam Margera's Porsche was sidewsiped recently, doing significant damage to the sports car and shaking up Margera. This is an awesome story until you realize that Bam Margera has a Porsche, and (probably) not syphilis. So, that's one more point against Karma.
Okay, that's all for me today. If you celebrate it, have a happy (?) Day of the Dead. And if not, maybe go home and watch Day of the Dead. It's a pretty sweet little movie. Otherwise, I'll see you again tomorrow for more timely hijinks. Until then, have a great day!
GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment recently. This could be because he patterned his behavior toward women after Leisure Suit Larry.
Comedian and television host Bill O'Reilly is writing two more books, just in case you were having trouble distinguishing which of your neighbors are douchebags.
There are now seven billion humans, which means that 7.71428571 × 10-9 percent of the Earth read my blog yesterday! WAHOO!
Andrew Madoff, son of world-class asshole Bernie Madoff, said the week that he never once suspected his father of running a Ponzi scheme. In a related story, Andrew Madoff has been cheated on by every woman he's ever dated.
A new economic report found that the world is "on verge of a new recession." This report was issued by the Institute of Stuff We Knew a Year Ago.
During the eulogy for the late Steve Jobs, his sister said "death didn't happen to Steve, he achieved it." I've never been so happy to be an underachiever.
A Spanish village is divided over whether or not to keep the "Smurf" makeover it received as part of the international promotion for the recent Smurfs film. Half of the residents want to keep the Smurfiness, while the other half aren't socially awkward children from 1984.
And finally, Jackass "star" Bam Margera's Porsche was sidewsiped recently, doing significant damage to the sports car and shaking up Margera. This is an awesome story until you realize that Bam Margera has a Porsche, and (probably) not syphilis. So, that's one more point against Karma.
Okay, that's all for me today. If you celebrate it, have a happy (?) Day of the Dead. And if not, maybe go home and watch Day of the Dead. It's a pretty sweet little movie. Otherwise, I'll see you again tomorrow for more timely hijinks. Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 20, 2011
Let's make Thursday awesome, okay? OKAY!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 19, 2011
Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2011
This is Tuesday. Are you ready for it? Sure hope so, because you're hip deep in it now. But as a reward, you get some jokes.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2011
Oh my, it's Tuesday. Remember, no matter how hard you work or how great you are, it's going to be Tuesday all day long. So, just relax. And enjoy these jokes.
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 4, 2011
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I hope you've got the day off, just like our founders wanted. While you enjoy your day, here's some jokes!
Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.
In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.
Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.
Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.
In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.
In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"
And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!
Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.
In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.
Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.
Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.
In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.
In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"
And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!
Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2011
Welcome back to the Internet, friends! What a great weekend, right? It was so great, that I've been left without the ability to banter. Can you believe that? I can barely even make a comment about my new... suncreen. It's spf 100. That's a lot of screening. It's basically an a tube of eclipse. Ain't science grand? Okay, you've been very good to put up with this so far, so have some jokes.
Speaking of jokes, there was no rapture this weekend, which must really bother Kirk Cameron. No word yet on why the world wasn't destroyed, but I have to assume Dr. Who had something to do with it. You're welcome, nerds. Seriously, though, a lot of people must be super disappointed that the world didn't end. Does Hallmark make a sympathy card for that? But by far, the most troubling thing about this whole apocalypse hooplah is that now Scientology seems much more respectable by comparison. Tom Cruise still gives me the creeps, though. Right?
Speaking of creeps, on 60 Minutes this weekend a former teammate of Lance Armstrong accused the champion cyclist of engaging in doping and encouraging other riders to do the same. In fact, he said that Armstrong led a double life, with one half all about drugs and deceit that nearly ruined his life entirely. Scorsese is interested in the movie rights. His only concern is how to make Robert DeNiro look like a tall, lanky athlete from Texas.
In political news, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced he will not be running for President, saying that he has to concentrate on completely ruining Indiana before moving on to the rest of the nation. Maybe 2016...
In other GOP news, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain announced he is running for President. He's vowed to do for America what he did Godfather's: drive it into obscurity and bankruptcy.
Hey, Internet, guess what? Lady Gaga uses the Google Chrome web browser. Not really a surprise, though, considering her preferred bra material.
So, you heard about that guy from the International Monetary Fund who might have raped that woman? Or women? Well, he quit that job, and they might have found his replacement. Her name is Christine Lagarde, and she's the French Finance Minister. As Finance Minister, her policies have focused on emerging markets, new technologies, and not raping people. It's a bold new direction.
In lighter news, Family Guy "creator" Seth MacFarlane signed on to create a new Flintstones series for FOX. This should be easy for MacFarlane, considering how well he repackaged The Simpsons as Family Guy. BOOM! Take that, winner!
In America, and nowhere else, a retired prison guard successfully ate his 25,000th Big Mac last week. Yes, that's the record. Thank God. The man ate 25,000 Big Macs over 39 years. That works out to just over 641 Big Macs per year, or 1.75 Big Macs per day, every day, for 39 years. Good thing he doesn't get tired of the same crap, over and over. In a related story, he's looking forward to Seth MacFarlane's new Flintstones series. BOOM! Feel the sting, MacFarlane? You just got dissed in front of upwards of two dozen people and Internet search bots.
Okay, that's all for now. I'm going go put on some sunscreen. I suggest you do the same. And if you feel like it, tell your friends, too. While you're doing that, maybe tell them to check out the jokes?
Anyway, that's all for now. More tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of creeps, on 60 Minutes this weekend a former teammate of Lance Armstrong accused the champion cyclist of engaging in doping and encouraging other riders to do the same. In fact, he said that Armstrong led a double life, with one half all about drugs and deceit that nearly ruined his life entirely. Scorsese is interested in the movie rights. His only concern is how to make Robert DeNiro look like a tall, lanky athlete from Texas.
In political news, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced he will not be running for President, saying that he has to concentrate on completely ruining Indiana before moving on to the rest of the nation. Maybe 2016...
In other GOP news, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain announced he is running for President. He's vowed to do for America what he did Godfather's: drive it into obscurity and bankruptcy.
Hey, Internet, guess what? Lady Gaga uses the Google Chrome web browser. Not really a surprise, though, considering her preferred bra material.
So, you heard about that guy from the International Monetary Fund who might have raped that woman? Or women? Well, he quit that job, and they might have found his replacement. Her name is Christine Lagarde, and she's the French Finance Minister. As Finance Minister, her policies have focused on emerging markets, new technologies, and not raping people. It's a bold new direction.
In lighter news, Family Guy "creator" Seth MacFarlane signed on to create a new Flintstones series for FOX. This should be easy for MacFarlane, considering how well he repackaged The Simpsons as Family Guy. BOOM! Take that, winner!
In America, and nowhere else, a retired prison guard successfully ate his 25,000th Big Mac last week. Yes, that's the record. Thank God. The man ate 25,000 Big Macs over 39 years. That works out to just over 641 Big Macs per year, or 1.75 Big Macs per day, every day, for 39 years. Good thing he doesn't get tired of the same crap, over and over. In a related story, he's looking forward to Seth MacFarlane's new Flintstones series. BOOM! Feel the sting, MacFarlane? You just got dissed in front of upwards of two dozen people and Internet search bots.
Okay, that's all for now. I'm going go put on some sunscreen. I suggest you do the same. And if you feel like it, tell your friends, too. While you're doing that, maybe tell them to check out the jokes?
Anyway, that's all for now. More tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!
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