Thursday Morning Monologue - December 8, 2011

I'm so glad it's Thursday. More than that, I'm so glad you're here to share it with me. Whoever you are. Yeah. Okay.

Yesterday, Syrian President Assad said that only “crazy” leaders kill their own people. He then cut prices so low, he’d have to be insane! And then he killed a bunch of people.

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to fourteen years in prison yesterday. Fourteen years! By the time he gets out, he’ll have no idea how much a senate seat is supposed to sell for. Also, he plead for leniency from the judge, which might have been more effective if he hadn’t dropped so many f-bombs.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech yesterday showing U.S. support for LGBT people being persecuted overseas. Too bad American LGBT people aren't overseas.

Netflix’s president said this week that HBO Go is the online rival he fears the most. And also spiders.

Terrence Howard’s wife got a restraining order against him earlier this month, but by the time the paperwork was finished it ended up being for Don Cheadle instead.

A study of American schools found that middle-class children ask for more help on assignments than working-class students, while the rich kids just pay someone else to do it for them.

In France, activists invaded an atomic power site to show how vulnerable it is. It's kinda like beating a kid up to show him he needs to be tougher, except if you punch too hard, millions of cubic liters of radioactive steam come out of him and kill thousands of people. That old chestnut.

And finally, Sarah Palin said yesterday that the idea of a Trump-moderated debate was "appealing." I assume she meant to say "appalling." Either way, she's dumb.

Whew! I'm tired. It's been a long week, and I thank you for sticking around. Come back tomorrow for Spencer's laugh attack, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2011

Is it just me, or does something smell like Tuesday in here?

Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.

Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.

Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.

Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."

Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."

Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."

In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.

And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.

That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!

Have a great day!