Okay, here we go. Can you overdose on Vitamin C? I'm gonna find out. While I do that, enjoy these jokes!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
Showing posts with label rush limbaugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rush limbaugh. Show all posts
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012
Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
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