The CNN GOP Presidential debate this week spurred the network's highest ratings ever, which is amazing considering that the whole program was just a super-long episode of A&E's Intervention.
European countries are locking down their borders to slow the flow of immigrants and asylum-seekers, saying that their countries just can't handle all the extra people, and that taking in so many expats would do irreparable harm to the European Union. After all, look what happened to so many African nations that took in a bunch of Europeans back in the 1800s. Those places are fucked now.
Speaking of refugees, a refugee in Hungary was just offered a job coaching football (European version) in Spain. He was seen in a viral video last week being tripped by a reporter and falling over as he ran. Presumably he won the role after his fall earned a red card for the reporter.
Japanese lawmakers debated new legislation to reinterpret the nation's post-World War II pacifist constitution and allow Japanese forces to fight overseas once more. The debate about Japan's pacifism devolved into a physical brawl among the legislators, so looks like everything is going to be fine.
Incidentally, they passed new tax credits for irony with no opposition.
The U.S. Navy has agreed to new conditions on sonar usage in the Pacific Ocean, specifically to limit the harm done by sonar to blue whale populations. Apparently whale populations have taken a hit in recent years because Navy sonar systems use the same frequencies as the whale version of Tinder.
Police in Florida arrested a 47-year-old woman for parole violations, and found her in possession of over 3,500 various swords, hatchets, knives, axes and other edged weapons in her trailer home. She was charged with one count of assaulting an officer and 3,500 counts of "being exactly what the other 49 states think of Florida."
Following news that actor/comedian Steve Rannazzisi lied about being a 9/11 survivor, Buffalo Wild Wings dropped Rannazzisi as their company spokesman. Fortunately he's found work representing diarrhea, so it's a lateral move.
And finally, Internet star Andy George spent a year and $1,500 to make one sandwich from scratch, which is actually not a bad deal when you consider how much the average man spends on finding and keeping a girlfriend.
Have a great weekend!
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2015
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 11, 2013
Sources close to the White House say the administration is reassessing its policy against arming Syrian rebels, because it will be totally different than Afghanistan.
Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.
Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.
A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.
Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.
Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.
A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.
And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.
End.
Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.
Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.
A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.
Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.
Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.
A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.
And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.
End.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 6, 2012
Did anyone else lose big last night? I promise, this is the last year I bet on the Puppy Bowl. Let's see what else is happening.
At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.
During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.
Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."
In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.
NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.
A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.
Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.
And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.
Boobies.
Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!
At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.
During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.
Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."
In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.
NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.
A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.
Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.
And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.
Boobies.
Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 16
And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.
The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.
Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.
Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.
In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.
Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.
Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.
The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.
And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"
Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.
Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.
Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.
In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.
Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.
Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.
The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.
And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"
Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 21, 2011
Welcome, welcome! I hope you're all having a great day. It's been cold in New York, so I decided to buy some long johns from Uniqlo. I bought black ones, from their Heattech line, and it didn't occur to me until I got home that I've basically bought a pair of black tights. And I really don't have the ass for that.
Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!
The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.
In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!
American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.
French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.
Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.
A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.
And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.
Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.
See you tomorrow!
Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!
The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.
In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!
American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.
French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.
Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.
A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.
And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.
Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.
See you tomorrow!
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