GE plans to invest billions of dollars in the controversial and possibly environmentally dangerous technology called "Fracking." But that's nothing compared to what they invested in Jay Leno.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.
New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.
In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.
He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.
The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.
Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.
In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."
And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.
So endeth the blog post.
Showing posts with label paul mccartney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paul mccartney. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2012
Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2012
G'day, mates. Get your funny faces on and let's have some jokes.
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.
She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.
A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.
Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.
Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.
Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.
In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!
And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.
So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.
She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.
A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.
Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.
Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.
Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.
In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!
- Dr. Douchebag
- Douchefinger
- From Russia with a Douche
- Never Say Douchebag Again
- The Man With the Golden Douche
- View to a Douchebag
And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.
So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2011
Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! Come on, let's get the energy up! Oh, screw it. Enjoy these jokes. I'm going to go drink some Vitamin Water and try to shake off the weekend. Okay.
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2011
There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012
Happy Monday! Did I say happy? Oh well. Positive attitude, right? Also: jokes.
Anyone who drives in cities knows what a problem parking is, right? Well, in San Francisco, a new smartphone app went online this week that shows drivers where they can find open parking spaces nearby. Not only that, it also automatically calls paramedics when you hit a pedestrian while you're looking down at your phone. That's pretty handy.
Big weekend for movies, too. Thor hit theaters, and at a screening in Glendale, a group of 24 men dressed as vikings invaded the theater, surprising the audience with their hilarious Viking hijinks. The entire audience signed up for Capital One cards. Across the hall, the touring company of Cats was hard at work ruining African Cats and bringing trauma to a theater full of children.
In other animal news, 20-1 longshot horse "Animal Kingdom" won the the Kentucky Derby as well as a one week reprieve from Purina Mills. The unlikely winner, and the massive payout that followed, gave hope to a whole generation of gambling addicts. Kudos!
In Bin Laden news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, and we've got hours and hours of videos recovered from his compound. In response to that news, America's Funniest Home Movies issued a Freedom of Information Act request to release the tapes just on the off chance that the B-roll includes a Bin Laden nut shot. I'd watch that. Repeatedly. In fact, if such a nut shot doesn't exist, the CIA should fabricate one. Wouldn't be the worst thing they've done.
In Catholic news, a leading Catholic magazine this weekend called on the new Archbishop of Wales to learn to speak, read and write in Welsh. Come on, leave the guy alone. He's already spent years learning one worthless language.
In Oklahoma, a man recently caught his wife on tape via hidden camera... setting fires on their property. Not exactly the hot solo action he was hoping for, I'm sure.
In Staten Island, New York, the governing board for a condominium building is blocking attempts to build a wheelchair lift for a young girl with cerebral palsy who lives there with her parents. They want the wheelchair lift to go in the back of the building, rather than the front. Good news, though, if they can't come to an agreement, her parents could always just sell the condo and move on. I happen to know of a woman in Oklahoma who's probably looking for a new place.
And finally, today, word came out that Sir Paul McCartney will be marrying again. This will be the third time for the former Beatle. When asked why he would rush back into matrimony again, he said "well, I've got all this extra money lying around." Better sign a pre-nup, Sir Paul. Remember, last time you lost an arm and a leg.
Okay, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow, I dare you!
In the meantime, have a great day, everyone!
Anyone who drives in cities knows what a problem parking is, right? Well, in San Francisco, a new smartphone app went online this week that shows drivers where they can find open parking spaces nearby. Not only that, it also automatically calls paramedics when you hit a pedestrian while you're looking down at your phone. That's pretty handy.
Big weekend for movies, too. Thor hit theaters, and at a screening in Glendale, a group of 24 men dressed as vikings invaded the theater, surprising the audience with their hilarious Viking hijinks. The entire audience signed up for Capital One cards. Across the hall, the touring company of Cats was hard at work ruining African Cats and bringing trauma to a theater full of children.
In other animal news, 20-1 longshot horse "Animal Kingdom" won the the Kentucky Derby as well as a one week reprieve from Purina Mills. The unlikely winner, and the massive payout that followed, gave hope to a whole generation of gambling addicts. Kudos!
In Bin Laden news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, and we've got hours and hours of videos recovered from his compound. In response to that news, America's Funniest Home Movies issued a Freedom of Information Act request to release the tapes just on the off chance that the B-roll includes a Bin Laden nut shot. I'd watch that. Repeatedly. In fact, if such a nut shot doesn't exist, the CIA should fabricate one. Wouldn't be the worst thing they've done.
In Catholic news, a leading Catholic magazine this weekend called on the new Archbishop of Wales to learn to speak, read and write in Welsh. Come on, leave the guy alone. He's already spent years learning one worthless language.
In Oklahoma, a man recently caught his wife on tape via hidden camera... setting fires on their property. Not exactly the hot solo action he was hoping for, I'm sure.
In Staten Island, New York, the governing board for a condominium building is blocking attempts to build a wheelchair lift for a young girl with cerebral palsy who lives there with her parents. They want the wheelchair lift to go in the back of the building, rather than the front. Good news, though, if they can't come to an agreement, her parents could always just sell the condo and move on. I happen to know of a woman in Oklahoma who's probably looking for a new place.
And finally, today, word came out that Sir Paul McCartney will be marrying again. This will be the third time for the former Beatle. When asked why he would rush back into matrimony again, he said "well, I've got all this extra money lying around." Better sign a pre-nup, Sir Paul. Remember, last time you lost an arm and a leg.
Okay, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow, I dare you!
In the meantime, have a great day, everyone!
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