Rage-o-Meter: The Faith in our Government Edition

You may have missed it, but a couple of North Carolina state legislators just blew their noses on the First Amendment, wadded it up and threw the nasty ball of mucous-covered parchment right in the Supreme Court's face. The aforementioned snot-bombing took the form of HOUSE JOINT RESOLUTION DRHJR10194-MM-54 (03/19), a neat little bill that lays the ground work for states and municipalities to start establishing official religions. There's quite a lot here to shake your faith in humanity.

First off, according to the authors of this bill, the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights say that Congress can't establish an official religion, but nowhere does it say that states can't do it. It's "separation of church and state," not "separation of church and states." Suck it, Jefferson. Think about that little oversight while you burn in Deist Hell.

The Devil is in the details.

That leaves the floodgates wide open for states, cities, towns, municipalities, and city-employed dog catchers to establish official religions in their particular domains.

We salute you, our half-inflated dog lord!

And if ever there's a group of people you want establishing an official religion, it's state and local elected officials. They can't get the pothole on your street filled in, but they'll get the mysteries of the universe sorted out for you. Whether you like it or not. And you better hope that you like it, because it's not like you can go crying to the Supreme Court about it, because as you can see from Section 2 of the bill:

"The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools, or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion."

Nanny, nanny, boo-boo, SCOTUS. We don't like the way you rule, so your rulings don't count. Sure, you have the word "Supreme" in your name, and the Constitution expressly says that you make rulings as to how the Constitution is interpreted, which is all fine and good, but we don't like your rulings. We don't agree with how you've applied the Establishment Clause, so we're going to ignore it like it's climate change science or Detroit.

In essence, the authors of the bill are saying they approve of the parts of the Constitution that say states can do whatever they want, but reject the part that says the Supreme Court has the final word on how the Constitution gets interpreted and what is considered legal in the country. It's like saying you enjoyed the original three Star Wars movies but you reject all the prequels. You can't just pretend that Jar-Jar Binks never existed, people. He's as real as Han Solo or Yoda, which is actually to say that he's not real at all. But the point still stands.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. But I'll still be unconstitutional.

A bigger issue, however, is that once you've made it possible for a religion to be made your official religion, you've made it possible for any religion to be made your official religion. It's a literal Pandora's Box, in that a city council could decide to turn their city back to the Hellenic mysticism and mythology of ancient Greece. Or perhaps you'd like to get a little Odin in your life?

And then what happens when people in one county decide that the people in the next county over are a bunch of bloodthirsty heathens and they don't truck with that kind of nonsense? How about a little holy war? Maybe some religious persecution for the people in your community who don't get on board with the one-true-whatever-you-decide? And if they don't like it, they can go off and form their own little namby-pamby country without any state-sponsored religion. And maybe whoever writes up their Constitution won't do a half-assed job like Jefferson. Of course, North Carolina is not going to erupt into some sort of Afghanistan-like civil war over religion. Probably. No, this is all meant to be taken metaphorically. And you know how well religious fundamentalists deal with metaphors.

Good luck, North Carolina. We'll be praying for you. Just as soon as you decide who those prayers should be directed to.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2012

Hey! Did you break out your white pants yesterday? It's officially allowed now, whereas before Memorial Day the Fashion Police would have shot you on site. Tough but fair. These jokes are also tough but fair. Wait, they're neither of those things. Still, you might as well read them since you already read all this nonsense.

The jury in John Edwards' trial will be deliberating for a seventh day before deciding his fate, which is seven days longer than it took Edwards to come to his decision.

Hackers from the U.S. State Department broke into Yemeni al-Qaeda websites and changed the content recently, trying to shame the terror group for attacking civilians.They also embedded a youtube clip of Rebecca Black's "Friday."

In Olympic News, Tokyo is in the running for the 2020 Summer games. "It is a great pleasure and true honor that Tokyo has been accepted as a candidate city," Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara said before setting fire to a mountain of cash.

Comedian Eddie Izzard had to postpone his planned tribute to Nelson Mandela last week. His original goal of running 27 marathons in 27 consecutive days was disrupted by what he called "unforeseen medical complications," or as one doctor put it: "the most foreseeable medical complications in the history of medicine."

Los Angeles bans plastic shopping bags, still okay with plastic funbags.

John Mayer said he once sang a page from 50 Shades of Grey to try and woo a woman. It might have worked, too, had he not been John Mayer at the time.

Next season, the NFL is making knee and thigh-pads mandatory for players. It may impede the players ability to see, however, since I'm assuming they'll be wrapping them around their skulls to prevent Traumatic Brain Injury.

And finally, two homosexual characters from the popular comic X-Men will be getting married. It's a great day for the rights of fictional characters everywhere. Oh, and the comic will not be on sale in North Carolina.

With that, I bid you good night. Or whatever. See you tomorrow! Through your computer's webcam! Which I've been secretly controlling!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012

Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...

Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!

A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.

George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.

America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.

In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.

North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.

Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.

And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.

Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 28, 2011

Welcome to Thursday! Let's get this over with.

The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.

In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.

Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.

Speaking of historic relics, Hugh Hefner's ex, Crystal Harris, went on the radio this week and said that her time with Hef was mostly sexless. She claimed that they'd only done it once, very quickly, and that she'd never seen him naked. Sounds like Hef's been cribbing from my college playbook!

A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."

In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.

In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?

And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.

Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.

Till then, as always, have a great day!