Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
Showing posts with label Republicans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Republicans. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2011
Welcome back, everyone! Did you have great weekend? Well, it's over now. Perhaps some jokes will make the day fly by. Let's see!
In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.
In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.
Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.
Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.
Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.
Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"
In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.
Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.
In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.
In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.
Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.
Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.
Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.
Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"
In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.
Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.
Okay, that's all from me today. Tell your friends and repost this like it's a dancing cat that just came from the dentist on Friday. Come back tomorrow for more stuff like this stuff, and until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 17, 2011
Welcome back, hope you're having a wonderful (whatever time of day you're experiencing)! We've got a great blog for you today, so let's get to it!
Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."
In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.
In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.
In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.
In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.
Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.
Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.
And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."
That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!
Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."
In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.
In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.
In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.
In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.
Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.
Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.
And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."
That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.
In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."
Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."
In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!
In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.
On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.
A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.
In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.
Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.
That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!
In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."
Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."
In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!
In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.
On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.
A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.
In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.
Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.
That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2011
NewsCorp announced this week that they are ready to be rid of MySpace, which puts them almost four years behind the rest of America. The announcement is terrible news for fans of Dane Cook and great news for people who hate java.
A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.
In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.
In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.
Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."
Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.
Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."
That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!
A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.
In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.
In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.
Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."
Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.
Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."
That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Rights at Conception
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, announced that he is cosponsoring the "Life at Conception Act". The law would declare that a person's life begins at conception, which would guarantee equal protection under the law. Of course, if fetuses had all the rights of a person, it might lead to interpretations that would vastly expand government power. For example, if a pregnant woman smokes or drinks alcohol, or simply eats unhealthily, she could face prosecution for reckless endangerment of a child. Paul clarified this hypocritical stance, saying, "I'm all for small, limited government, but it should be big enough know what is going on in a woman's 'lady parts.'"
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