Researchers at Lenox Hill Hospital found that people who undergo plastic surgery look younger, but not prettier. So it looks like George Clooney got that scrotum tuck for nothing.
In Rome, protesters rallied outside the home of beleaguered former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently found guilty of tax evasion. It's unclear if they were there to support him or were hoping he would invite them in for a sex party.
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was just reelected in a landslide. Wait, did I say "landslide?" I meant "landfill," as in "Mugabe buried the opposition's votes in a landfill, and no one ever saw them again."
Unicef called on global leaders recently to help promote breastfeeding. Their slogan's campaign is "Breastfeeding is good for mothers, infants, families, and the world. Please support it." It's all true, but that slogan is really a mouthful.
The Japanese space agency just sent a talking robot up to the International Space Station. Fortunately, it is not a sex robot.
In the small town of Dorset, Minnesota, a four year-old boy was reelected to his second term as mayor. And due to budget shortfalls, he's expected to institute the most adorable round of municipal layoffs in the country.
Kuwait's emir just formed a new cabinet this weekend. Well, he didn't actually form the cabinet. It was assembled by foreign guest workers who have no rights to citizenship or representation in the government but can still pay taxes. You know how it is.
And finally, at least ten people were arrested on felony drug charges at Lollapalooza this weekend. They've been charged with felony possession, distribution, and totally over-charging.
That's all!
Showing posts with label robert mugabe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label robert mugabe. Show all posts
Monday, August 5, 2013
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2012
Happy Wednesday! It's LENT! HIP-HIP-HOORAY FOR PENANCE! I hope you have a great Lent! What's the traditional Lent candy? Bits of Ash? Sounds great. Okay, joke it up.
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
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