Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012

One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!

PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?

In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.

Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.

Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"

The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.

Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.

In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.

And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.

BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."

Monday Morning Monologue - January 16

And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.

The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.

Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.

Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.

In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.

Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.

Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.

And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"

Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 8, 2011

I'm so glad it's Thursday. More than that, I'm so glad you're here to share it with me. Whoever you are. Yeah. Okay.

Yesterday, Syrian President Assad said that only “crazy” leaders kill their own people. He then cut prices so low, he’d have to be insane! And then he killed a bunch of people.

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to fourteen years in prison yesterday. Fourteen years! By the time he gets out, he’ll have no idea how much a senate seat is supposed to sell for. Also, he plead for leniency from the judge, which might have been more effective if he hadn’t dropped so many f-bombs.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech yesterday showing U.S. support for LGBT people being persecuted overseas. Too bad American LGBT people aren't overseas.

Netflix’s president said this week that HBO Go is the online rival he fears the most. And also spiders.

Terrence Howard’s wife got a restraining order against him earlier this month, but by the time the paperwork was finished it ended up being for Don Cheadle instead.

A study of American schools found that middle-class children ask for more help on assignments than working-class students, while the rich kids just pay someone else to do it for them.

In France, activists invaded an atomic power site to show how vulnerable it is. It's kinda like beating a kid up to show him he needs to be tougher, except if you punch too hard, millions of cubic liters of radioactive steam come out of him and kill thousands of people. That old chestnut.

And finally, Sarah Palin said yesterday that the idea of a Trump-moderated debate was "appealing." I assume she meant to say "appalling." Either way, she's dumb.

Whew! I'm tired. It's been a long week, and I thank you for sticking around. Come back tomorrow for Spencer's laugh attack, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 24, 2011

Warm greeting! Banter, banter, banter... mildly humorous comment! Exhortation to read further!

A three-year-old boy in China recently weighed in at 132lbs. That sounds freakish, but he's also 5'10" and he's a gymnast. Yep, everything here is on the up and up.

The House of Windsor issued some etiquette guidelines for behavior at the upcoming royal wedding. One of the stand outs: don't tweet from inside the church. That's a good call, and clearly the people who would tweet during a wedding are very concerned with proper behavior.

The Pet Shop Boys produced a new ballet in London. Try to act surprised.

NBC is launching a new Paul Reiser series in April. Try to act surprised.

Libyan embarrassment Mohammar Gaddhafi remains defiant in the face of coalition attacks, saying "we are making fun of their rockets." I'm guessing that it's primarily dick jokes. At least that's how I'd make fun of rockets.

Showtime decided to pull their current shows from the popular Netflix streaming service, making them instead only available to Showtime subscribers. Apparently Showtime is laboring under the delusion that anyone actually thinks Weeds and United States of Tara are worth money.

MTV just signed up The Real World for seasons 27 and 28, meaning that if the show were a person, it would no longer understand itself.

Lastly, Ed Harris will be playing Senator John McCain in HBO's new miniseries Game Changer. He only got the part after scheduling conflicts forced the actual John McCain to drop out of the production. He was already set to star in the Pet Shop Boys' ballet.

That's all for me today! Hope you enjoyed this, and if you did tell your friends! If not, wait until we have a funnier post, then tell your friends. Come back for more jokes tomorrow with Spencer and Sunday with Earnest.

Have a great day!