September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge

In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.

In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.

Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.

Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.

In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.

In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.

In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.

Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.

And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.

Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.

That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012

You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.

A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.

In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.

T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.

A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on Orbitz.com than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.

A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.

Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.

Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.

And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.

C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.