Following his recent sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the New York mayoral race, just ahead of Bill Clinton's penis.
On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.
A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?
Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.
Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.
Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.
Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.
And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.
Ta-ta for now!
Showing posts with label roman polanski. Show all posts
Showing posts with label roman polanski. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2013
A team of scientists just built a machine that can identify a piece of Western music after hearing just three notes. Next, the team will build a machine that can identify a use for the previous machine.
A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.
Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.
Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.
Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.
Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?
But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.
A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.
That's all!
A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.
Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.
Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.
Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.
Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?
But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.
A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.
That's all!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013
Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2011
Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! Come on, let's get the energy up! Oh, screw it. Enjoy these jokes. I'm going to go drink some Vitamin Water and try to shake off the weekend. Okay.
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2011
Welcome back. I'm starting to think that you've come here just for the jokes, and not to hear about my underpants. Is that true? Looks like I have some soul-searching to do. At least I'll be wearing a pair of super-comfortable Hanes Boxers while I do it. Okay, here's some jokes.
In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.
Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.
In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.
That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.
This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.
In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.
This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!
Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.
Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.
Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.
In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.
That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.
This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.
In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.
This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!
Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.
Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011
Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!
Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.
In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."
In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.
In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."
Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"
Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.
An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"
Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.
That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!
Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.
In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."
In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.
In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."
Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"
Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.
An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"
Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.
That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!
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