Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012

Let the weird and fast continue!

Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.

Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.

Whitney sucks.

Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm Face.com. No word yet on their attempts to purchase Book.com. Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."

Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.

Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.

Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.

Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.

And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.

Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 17, 2011

Hi, everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful time of day. Or night. Oh, the beauty of asynchronous media! Well, whatever. I hope you didn't wait too long to read these jokes, because it's topical humor. Well, judge for yourself.

The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.

In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.

Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.

Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.

This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.

Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.

In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.

I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.

And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.

I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.

And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011

This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:

In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.

Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.

Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.

President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.

Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!

International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.

Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.

And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.

And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!

Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011

Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.

Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.

In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."

Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.

Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.

Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.

Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.

In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.

And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."

How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2011

Just when you thought it was going to be Tuesday again, it's Wednesday! Isn't that great? Yes, it is. Okay, and comedy is now!

In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."

In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.

Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!

Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.

In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!

In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.

Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.

And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?

Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 8, 2011

Seriously, I'm done with banter. I won't even mention the new socks I got today. I won't talk about how they're both black and gray, nor will I mention the padding, stitching or elasticity. I also won't tweet any images of myself wearing the socks. Because that's been done to death. Okay, well, now is the time for jokes. Oh yeah, happy Wednesday.

Okay, nerds. Here's one for you. Sony is releasing 3D glasses for the Playstation 3. So now you can watch your identity get stolen in three dimensions!

So, the famous wrapper---excuse me, rapper---Eminem just released a new song where he slams Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The song is called "Hey, Remember Me? Eminem? Hey Guys!"

In other irrelevant news, President Obama's economic advisor Austan Goolsby is leaving the White House to take a teaching poisiton at the University of Chicago. He's looking forward to meeting the leaders of tomorrow, and giving them terrible economic advice. Fish gotta swim, right?

Speaking of fishy stories, television person Ann Curry will be taking over Meredith Viera on the Today show, proving once again that you don't have to be any good to succeed in life if you can just stick around long enough for everyone else to leave. Are you paying attention, kids?

In Zimbabwe, a homicide detective has been jailed for using Mugabe's toilet and faces a prison term of up to ten years for using the President's toilet. Well done, Zimbabwe! You're making great use of democracy.

Speaking of misusing your freedom, a university in Kyoto now offers students a Ph.D. in Manga, the popular Japanese comic book style. Even I think that's dorky, and I was once in a Renaissance Fair.

Pretend you don't know that.

Anyway, Kelly Bensimon, best known for her participation in Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently posed for Playboy. The hardest part of the whole photo shoot was when the editors had to airbrush in some dignity. BOOM! Take THAT, person I've never met who is on a show I've never watched.

And lastly, a young woman in Florida was arrested yesterday for driving topless and drunk with a bag of marijuana sticking out of her purse. She was charged with one count of being nine months early for Spring Break.

Okay, that's the end of that. Come back tomorrow, okay? And tell your friends! Oh, and remember to use sunblock and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2011

Happy Tuesday! Let's get to it.

In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.

Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.

In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.

Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.

In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.

In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?

Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.

And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.

That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2011

We all need a distraction from time to time. Today, like every other day, it's gonna be jokes.

Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.

A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.

The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.

Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"

The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.

Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.

Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.

And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.

That's all for today! See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011

Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!

Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.

In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."

In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.

In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."

Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"

Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.

An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"

Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.

That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011

Shall we?

International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.

Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.

On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.

In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"

Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.

The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"

California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.

That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2011

Okay, so here are some jokes.

On Jeopardy this week, one of the players is a supercomputer built by IBM with the express purpose of dominating human Jeopardy players. If the company wants to humiliate nerds further, the next version will require a pantsing feature.

In celebrity news, police responded to a break-in at the house of Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. They found a disoriented young woman in the home, but it turned out to not be Lindsay Lohan.

The Grammys aired on CBS on Sunday, bringing in the audience highest for the show in the last 11 years. However, that number is still a fraction of the number of people downloading illegal copies of "Born This Way" on Sunday night.

Before the Grammys, a local CBS reporter covering the red carpet became briefly disoriented and spoke incoherently on the air. She has since been accused of plagiarism by Glenn Beck.

During the show, Christina Aguilera fell onstage, which was just seven days after she botched the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, which means that someone is totally getting their money's worth out of that gypsy curse.

A medical study revealed that energy drinks are bad for small children. A parallel study of Youtube videos found those same children to be hilarious when given Red Bull.

In sports news, Tiger Woods was fined in Dubai for spitting during a tournament this weekend. Thankfully he apologized quickly, or else his public image could have been seriously damaged. Oh, and he was also spitting on a hooker. I mentioned that, right?

Elsewhere in the Arab world, the Egyptian military has declared martial law, much to the dismay of pro-democracy protesters. When pressed for comment, a spokesman said "we're the military. Martial is the only law we have."

At the CPAC rally this weekend, Rep. Ron Paul won a Presidential straw poll, making him the Esperanza Spalding to Mitt Romney's Justin Bieber. What's that? You didn't get that one? Maybe that's because nobody cares about the Grammys.

Lastly, laughing gas is coming back into use for women giving birth, so we'll soon have lots of stories that begin with "remember when I laughed so hard a person shot out of my vagina?" Thank you, science.

That's it! See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 10, 2011

So, who likes jokes? Well, we've got some!

A lawsuit was filed in Dallas this week by football fans at the Super Bowl who were denied their seats despite having valid tickets. Tom Brady filed a similar suit after he was not allowed to play in the game, despite the fact that he was clearly Tom Brady.

Scientists hinted that in the future, robots may get their own version of the Internet to help them learn about the world. Obviously, this is just an excuse for ROBOT PORN!

Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed Cairo's Tahrir Square in record numbers, although in all honesty, many of them were just waiting to see a screening of Justin Bieber's new movie.

Still with Egypt, Vice President Suleiman called the widespread demands for President Mubarak's resignation "disrespectful," saying "it's one thing to ask for an end to 30 years of horrible repression, deprivation and intimidation from your government, but it's no excuse for hurting a man's feelings. He may be a strongman, but he's also a sensitiveman!"

Also in Egyptian news, the newly appointed Minister of Antiquities announced that the country's ancient artifacts were safe, despite reports of looting. He said the treasures were safe in part because of upgrades in security but mainly because of THE MUMMY'S CURSE!

It Italy, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is under investigation for possible sex crimes, which he called "disgusting." That condemnation might have more moral authority, though, if it weren't in the fifth paragraph of a letter to Penthouse Forum.

Back in America, Jennifer Lawrence, the oscar-nominated actress from "Winter's Bone," acknowledged her redneck past in an interview this week, where she jokingly talked about being attracted to her brother. Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie.

Lastly, New York City is considering using its raw sewage as a source of energy. Mayor Bloomberg said, "it's simple logic. You've gotta play to your strengths. And this city is 'strong' with untreated poop." The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be forced to relocate to Jersey City.

That's it for me.

Come back tomorrow for Fridays with Spencer and check us out on Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Monologue. And if you liked what you read, pass it along! Thanks!