In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.
A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."
Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."
Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.
In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.
Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."
U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...
And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.
Is that it? Yes, for now.
Showing posts with label jp morgan chase. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jp morgan chase. Show all posts
Monday, August 19, 2013
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2012
What a great day for making fun of stuff!
Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?
Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.
In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.
The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."
Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.
In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.
Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.
And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.
Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?
Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?
Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.
In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.
The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."
Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.
In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.
Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.
And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.
Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2012
Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
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