Thursday Morning Monologue - May 5, 2011

Hot damn! Is it Friday? No, it's Thursday. Rope it in a bit. But not too much, because it's CINCO DE MAYO! If you can, you should go to Taco Mayo today. And then don't make any plans for tomorrow. Okay, prepare to be amused.

In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.

Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."

According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."

In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.

In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.

In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."

Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.

And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."

That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs. 

Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2011

Anybody working today? Anybody pretending to be working today? Yeah, that's more like it. Here's some jokes for you.

This weekend Blake Griffin jumped over a Toyota to land a slam dunk, proving once again that while Toyota's have great resale value and get amazing mileage, they're useless under the net.

In business news, Groupon is looking to expand into China to capitalize on the large numbers of consumers in the population. They're going to be pretty upset when they find out China just outlawed large gatherings of people.

In other upsetting news, the new film version of The Great Gatsby is rumored to be shot in 3D. When asked why, the director explained "this story is an American classic, but we just felt there should be more stuff flying out at the audience."

For her most recent film, producers turned Natalie Portman into a "homely" girl, because apparently they couldn't stomach the idea of hiring an actress who was actually average-looking. "It's just too depressing to think about someone not being pretty," said a source close to the production, adding "what is this supposed to be, theater? British theater?!"

Speaking of British theater, invitations for the upcoming royal wedding went out this weekend. If you didn't get one, it's likely because you're a commoner. A filthy, filthy commoner. Also, you're probably not inbred.

In entertainment news, CNN hired Camille Grammer to provide coverage and commentary on the Oscars this year, presumably because Triumph is still under contract with NBC.

Back in England, an opera recently opened based upon the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith. The author and creator previously turned the life of Jerry Springer into an acclaimed opera. After opening night he reportedly said "I've got a good feeling about Charlie Sheen."

Lastly, Facebook expanded their options for relationship status, adding in civil unions and domestic partnerships. Still missing is the "Relationship? Wow, um, I don't know. Maybe it is. Why what have you heard?"

That's all for now. Hope you have a great week!