Monday Morning Monologue - January 9, 2012

How about that football, huh? Am I right?

In sports, Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos to playoff victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers, proving once again that God loves Tim Tebow more than rape.

Filmmaker Tom Hanks announced that his new Web series will be available for streaming on Yahoo.com. It's part of a plan to make sure as few people see it as possible (NBC was not available, apparently).

The New York City Opera is now on a lockout, just like the NBA experienced recently except for who gives a shit about the opera?

Think you hate America? Think again. MTV announced they would be airing the reality program Caged, about cage fighting. It's like Fight Club, except the acting is far worse.

Speaking of movies, the people behind the Oscars are now proposing that documentaries must be reviewed by New York Times or Los Angeles Times in order to be eligible for an Academy Award. Said one organizer, "we're just so sick of watching documentaries."

Keifer Sutherland was out promoting his new program, Touch, and said that it was not an effort to bury Jack Bauer, which is good news because we'd all hate to see Keifer Sutherland get murdered by Jack Bauer.

In celebrity wedding news, Sinead O'Connor said this weekend that she is actually still married, and who gives a shit?

And finally, Papa John's Pizza apologizes for an anti-asian racial slur printed on one of its receipts. A spokesman for the pizza chain said that Papa John's means no disrespect to asian cultures. Just Italian.

Okay, that's all! More tomorrow, I bet. Till then, have a great day?

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 20, 2011

Is it Tuesday? Not right now, actually, because it's Monday when I'm writing this. Yes, I write these the night before. Which is why Monday's blog made no mention of Kim Jong-il's passing. That will be rectified today. Oh yes. Let's do it.

Kim Jong-il passed away late Sunday night, taking his strongest stance yet against nuclear disarmament negotiations.

North Koreans mourned the death of Kim Jong-il across the country on Monday, or they got shot.

With all that grieving, North Korean mourners could be expected to put on some extra weight this winter, or they would if there was any food in the country.

This is especially bad news for the North Korean film industry. Without Jong-il's leadership, it's unlikely anyone is going to step up, find the next generation of gifted filmmakers, and kidnap them.

Leadership of the little dictatorship passed to Kim Jong-il's son, Kim Jong-un. Is there any chance that "un" in Korean means "not nearly as crazy as?" Or does it just mean that he's caffeine-free and flavored with lemon and lime?

Feel better now? Okay.

Back in America, Sarah Palin reminded America that it's not too late for someone to get into the presidential race. Did she just threaten us?

Due to mounting legal pressure, AT&T dropped it's bid to buy T-Mobile. Then, just for good measure, AT&T went ahead and dropped thousands of calls.

And finally, MTV said they would be bringing back their long-cancelled practical joke show Punk'd. That's a joke, right?

And that's the end. Until it starts again. In the meantime, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 26, 2011

Hey, guess what. I got a new computer. Hooray. Now I can more easily type "smartphone." And jokes. Let's do this.

Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.

In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.

Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.

In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.

A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.

Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.

Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.

And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.

That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2011

Hey! It's another edition of Way Back Wednesday! I wonder... what was happening in August of 1981...

Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?

Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."

What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.

Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.

IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.

In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.

Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.

And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.

Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!

Till then, have a great day.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011

Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!

WHAT A GREAT CROWD. HACK_BOT HAS NOT SEEN THIS MANY STUFFED SHIRTS SINCE ALL THOSE BUSINESS JERKS GOT SENT TO THE TAXIDERMIST! THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS, RIGHT? THE ECONOMY!

BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.

HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!

SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!

SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---

<restart/>

ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!

HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!

SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!

ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!

THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.

TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!

HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!

AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.

HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!

TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2011

No banter today. Because I feel that it slows down the pace of the blog, and doesn't really add anything to the piece. It's just sort of there, like something you have to get through to get to the stuff you really wanted to see. The jokes, right? There's some of them here. And we'll get to them, but first I just wanted to reiterate how I felt about the banter, and how it is sometimes useless. I feel that banter is unnecessary in this day and age. Okay, let's have humor.

Plaxico Burress got out of prison yesterday. His right thigh has already applied for a restraining order.

Former Senator Rick Santorum announced he will be running for the GOP presidential nomination, which is awesome news for people who hate bigots and love the Google search engine. Santorum said he was "in it to win it," but I'd say his chances are pretty crappy. Seriously, Google this freak.

In political news, one of President Obama's nominees for the Federal Reserve, Nobel Laureate Peter Diamond, bowed out after facing stiff opposition from the GOP. Apparently there's a policy against hiring anyone who actually understands what the place is supposed to do. My gym is the same way.

Hey, have you heard about Lady Gaga? Her new album Born This Way was just banned from going on sale in Lebanon. Don't worry, you can still steal it on Limewire.

In France, television personalities will now cease mentioning Twitter or Facebook by name on the air, as it is considered to be an unfair advantage to those companies over smaller, startup social networking sites. Yep, that should even it up.

Speaking of staying even, Sarah Palin claims that she didn't mess up the history of Paul Revere in a recent interview. Of course, she's also claiming that she didn't mess up John McCain's 2008 campaign. So, there's that.

An auction this week brought in $200 for an old pair of Bernie Maddoff's underwear. The buyer was interested to see what kind of underpants you wear when you screw millions of people. Also, what he used to keep in that underwear just sold in prison for significantly less than $200.

And lastly, elder stateswoman of Hollywood Reese Witherspoon, went off on the new generation of starlets in Hollywood who use sex tapes and reality shows to get famous. She made this speech at the MTV Movie Awards, so good luck with that. In a follow up statement, she also demanded that all those kids get off her lawn. SHE'S OLD NOW!

Okay, that's it. See you on Wednesday! Remember your sunblock, friends, and have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 10, 2011

Happy Thursday! We've got a great blog for you this morning. Let's get started.

In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"

The Toyota Motor Company announced this week a new goal of selling 10 million vehicles each year. Also part of the goal: recalling fewer than 10 million vehicles per year. Dream big, Toyota.

Food safety inspectors in the UK ruled that ice cream made from human breast milk is safe for consumption. Also deemed edible by the UK: sausage made from coagulated blood and jelly made from eels.

In a story slightly less stomach-turning, Gwyneth Paltrow is finalizing a record deal, which is good news for people who were getting tired of just hating her in movies and television. Oh, and she had a cook book, right? Yeah, that probably irritated some people, too.

Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.

In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.

And finally, Julie Taymor was fired this week from the troubled Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. When asked what she would have done differently, knowing what she does now, she said "first, I wouldn't have let Bono pick that stupid-ass name, as it obviously cursed us. I believe in a just and loving God, and there's clearly no place in His world for a successful musical with a name that stupid. Good luck fixing that fuster-cluck, you Disney ass-clowns!" She then added, "anybody need a musical directed? Anybody? Crap."

That's it for me this week, but come back tomorrow and Sunday for hilarity from Spencer and Earnest, respectively.

Now, this is the spot where I normally ask you to repost this or email it, or whatever, but today, I'd rather you visit one (or more) of these sites:

http://www.recallscottwalker.com/

http://www.change.org/petitions/recall-scott-walker#?opt_new=t&opt_fb=t

http://scottwalkerwatch.com/?page_id=91

http://www.recallscottwalker.info/#axzz1GAEwkhp5

http://www.defendingwisconsin.org/

and show your support for the effort to remove Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker from office, because he is a total douche bag, and in 299 days the good people of Wisconsin can recall his sorry ass. Add your voice to the chorus and let Wisconsin know we've got their back.

That's all for now! See you next time!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2011

Did anyone else spend last night watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix and forget that the Super Bowl was on? Nope? Just me? Okay. Well, let's have some jokes.

In our top story, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak got some words of support from former Vice President Dick Cheney, who called Mubarak "a good friend." Mubarak responded by assuring the Egyptian people "I have no idea who that is."

Tickets went on sale this weekend for the San Diego Comic Con, and the sudden spike in traffic crashed the company's website. A spokesman for the event said "we're trying like hell, but we just can't seem to find anyone on staff who understands computers! We need geeks, but all we've got are nerds!"

Bank of America announced that it has settled a class action lawsuit over abusive overdraft fees. The bank agreed to a $410 million settlement, although the company may get some of that money back if the checks bounce. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

In Iran, state television has banned all cooking shows that feature foreign recipes and cuisine. Now the Iranian people will never know who won this season of Top Chef. Experts say Tehran will be burning within a week.

In other television news, TNT is extending the final season of The Closer. They're also renaming it The Lingerer. In a shocking and related story, people are still watching The Closer.

Staying with television, Lauren Conrad is still angry at MTV for canceling her show. The reality star was livid, saying "THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" An MTV spokesman explained, "we've got a new version of Teen Wolf coming this year, so we really don't need any more monsters on the network." MTV, to its credit, is attempting to provide better role models for its younger viewers, which is why they're bringing back Beavis & Butthead.

In other MTV news, The Situation may be leaving the cast of The Jersey Shore. Sources close to the show place the blame on the disruptive influence of his new girlfriend, Yoko Ono.

Lastly, Charlie Sheen said he wants to resume work this month. When asked to clarify his statement, Sheen said "oh, 'work' is my word for 'taking lots of drugs and partying with porn stars.' Sorry for any confusion."

That's it. Back to work, everyone.

Monday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.