Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2013

The Greek government said yesterday it is committed to cutting the "bloated" public sector workforce, which is bad news for fat guys working government jobs in Greece.

Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the  Nets?"

He likes to bet.

Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."

Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.

The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.

The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.

Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.

And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.

And that's it!

Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.

Monday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2011

If you're like me, then I understand your pain. Also, you are keenly aware that the second season of The Walking Dead premiered last night, and that as fictional apocalypses go, it's a pretty good one. In honor of this artistic achievement and the fact that I really don't feel like making myself aware enough of the news this weekend in order to mock our world, I'm bringing you the eight things you need to know about the (fictional) zombie apocalypse.

1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.

2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.

3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.

4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.

5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.

6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.

7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.

8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.

Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!