Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2013

Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?

Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"

A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.

Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.

New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.

Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.

Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.

And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.

That's it!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 29, 2013

According to the Iranian news agency, the nation's space program succeeded in launching a monkey into space. The monkey, which made it back to earth safely, was reportedly overjoyed at being shot into space and really enjoyed itself, until it figured out that it was going to have to come back down and live in Iran again.

A bizarre trial is getting underway in Russia for a whistleblower, Sergei Magnitsky, who is actually dead. Magnitsky's lawyers are hopeful for his chances, however. Best case scenario: he gets life.

Toyota announced that 2012 was a banner year. The auto behemoth managed to sell nearly 9.75 million vehicles, which is slightly more than they recalled.

The New York City school bus drivers union is undergoing a major overhaul, with seniority no longer playing as big a role in determining assignments. So, look for New York City school buses to stop driving with the left turn signal on.

In Norway, a tunnel will be closed for several weeks after a massive truckload of sweet cheese caught fire. Repair crews are standing by with little bits of bread and fruit.

A teacher in Ohio is in trouble for posting a picture online of a student whose mouth he had duct taped shut. Apparently teachers in the district are not supposed to use their cell phones at work.

At a school in Pennsylvania, male students must now ask for toilet paper each time they go to the bathroom. The school took the paper out of the bathrooms in an attempt to cut down on vandalism. They haven't, however, removed all of the Glade Potpourri Spray Paint cans.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America announced they are considering allowing openly gay children and adults to be involved in the organization. Although, if they were really serious about getting gay people involved, they'd get rid of those ridiculous shorts.

And that's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2012

Happy Monday! See, that was meant ironically. Like these jokes.

Customs agents in Norway found two ounces of marijuana in Snoop Dogg's luggage, leading Snoop Dogg to wonder "where did I leave the other six pounds of marijuana I brought with me?"

Japanese ukulele players set a new world record for the most ukulele's played together in concert at one time this weekend. Those in attendance set a new world record for tolerating ukulele music.

Former Vice President Dick "Tin Woodsman" Cheney said in a recent interview that putting Sarah Palin on the 2008 ticket was "a mistake." Congratulations, Sarah Palin! You are now officially more repellent to Dick Cheney than torture and Lynne Cheney's awful romance novel.

A new study on workplace behavior revealed that people who curse on the job are less likely to be promoted, which is some real bullshit.

And finally, some tips for watching the Olympics.

• If you've ever wanted to watch competitors poop, your best options are long distance running and the horse dressage events.
• Fencers are no longer required to softly whisper their true love's name and expire after losing a match.
• Pay special attention to the rowing events, as those skills will become increasingly important once the polar ice caps melt and we're all living in friggin' Waterworld.
• Try not to think about all the things you could have accomplished if only you were willing to put in the time and effort.

That's it! Later, gaters.