Researchers at Lenox Hill Hospital found that people who undergo plastic surgery look younger, but not prettier. So it looks like George Clooney got that scrotum tuck for nothing.
In Rome, protesters rallied outside the home of beleaguered former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently found guilty of tax evasion. It's unclear if they were there to support him or were hoping he would invite them in for a sex party.
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was just reelected in a landslide. Wait, did I say "landslide?" I meant "landfill," as in "Mugabe buried the opposition's votes in a landfill, and no one ever saw them again."
Unicef called on global leaders recently to help promote breastfeeding. Their slogan's campaign is "Breastfeeding is good for mothers, infants, families, and the world. Please support it." It's all true, but that slogan is really a mouthful.
The Japanese space agency just sent a talking robot up to the International Space Station. Fortunately, it is not a sex robot.
In the small town of Dorset, Minnesota, a four year-old boy was reelected to his second term as mayor. And due to budget shortfalls, he's expected to institute the most adorable round of municipal layoffs in the country.
Kuwait's emir just formed a new cabinet this weekend. Well, he didn't actually form the cabinet. It was assembled by foreign guest workers who have no rights to citizenship or representation in the government but can still pay taxes. You know how it is.
And finally, at least ten people were arrested on felony drug charges at Lollapalooza this weekend. They've been charged with felony possession, distribution, and totally over-charging.
That's all!
Showing posts with label george clooney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label george clooney. Show all posts
Monday, August 5, 2013
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012
Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.
In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.
Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"
And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.
Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."
A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.
In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.
An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.
Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.
And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.
Okay, that's all.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012
Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 20, 2011
Let's make Thursday awesome, okay? OKAY!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011
Shall we?
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
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