It's August. And this is, officially, a cruel, cruel summer. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an ambivalent fall. Alright, enough funny business. Here are some jokes.
Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.
Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.
Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.
Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.
Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.
In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.
And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.
Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label debt ceiling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label debt ceiling. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2011
Welcome back. I'm starting to think that you've come here just for the jokes, and not to hear about my underpants. Is that true? Looks like I have some soul-searching to do. At least I'll be wearing a pair of super-comfortable Hanes Boxers while I do it. Okay, here's some jokes.
In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.
Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.
In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.
That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.
This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.
In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.
This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!
Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.
Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.
Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.
In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.
That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.
This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.
In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.
This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!
Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.
Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
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