Last week, a man walking his dog on the southern coast of England found a giant chunk of whale vomit on the beach. The rare vomit is actually worth $70,000, and is also a great reminder that whales can’t hold their liquor.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
Showing posts with label sweden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sweden. Show all posts
Monday, February 11, 2013
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 7, 2011
Hey, is it Thursday already? It is? Well, heck, it's a good thing I've got some jokes for you.
In Italy yesterday, Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial opened and immediately adjourned. Several of the witnesses felt a strange sense of deja vu. Because Silvio is bad at sex.
In Washington State, a statue honoring the late musician Kurt Cobain was unveiled this week. Courtney Love promised she would do her best to ruin it.
Billionaire CEO and adventurer caricature Richard Branson launched a new enterprise called Virgin Ocean to explore the depths of the earth's seas. He also pledged that his next endeavor will be Virgin Time Machine. And he's working on a special formula to turn himself invisible.
Turning to the television, FOX is ending Glenn Beck's daily program, leaving a serious hole in the lives of people who want to be paranoid without being well-informed. FOX is searching for a suitable replacement, but in the meantime the hour will be filled by a goat braying at the camera for a full hour.
Chinese artist Ai Weiwei is under investigation for "economic crimes," leading to the inescapable conclusion that China doesn't understand the art world at all.
The Federal Aviation Administration revealed that another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job. The news is leading many to question the wisdom of giving our air traffic controllers so many turkey sandwiches. Oh, and also making them work insane shifts. Yeah, maybe a salad and a sleep break would be in order.
Finally this week, the Queen of Sweden was injured in New York while avoiding paparazzi. Well, that's just great. Looks like we're going to war with Sweden, too.
That's all for me this week, I do hope you've had as much fun as I did! Please keep coming back for more jokes from Spencer and Earnest, and let your friends know how awesome this blog is with the magical social media buttons below. Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Oh, and congratulations to Spencer! Way to marry up, sir.
In Italy yesterday, Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial opened and immediately adjourned. Several of the witnesses felt a strange sense of deja vu. Because Silvio is bad at sex.
In Washington State, a statue honoring the late musician Kurt Cobain was unveiled this week. Courtney Love promised she would do her best to ruin it.
Billionaire CEO and adventurer caricature Richard Branson launched a new enterprise called Virgin Ocean to explore the depths of the earth's seas. He also pledged that his next endeavor will be Virgin Time Machine. And he's working on a special formula to turn himself invisible.
Turning to the television, FOX is ending Glenn Beck's daily program, leaving a serious hole in the lives of people who want to be paranoid without being well-informed. FOX is searching for a suitable replacement, but in the meantime the hour will be filled by a goat braying at the camera for a full hour.
Chinese artist Ai Weiwei is under investigation for "economic crimes," leading to the inescapable conclusion that China doesn't understand the art world at all.
The Federal Aviation Administration revealed that another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job. The news is leading many to question the wisdom of giving our air traffic controllers so many turkey sandwiches. Oh, and also making them work insane shifts. Yeah, maybe a salad and a sleep break would be in order.
Finally this week, the Queen of Sweden was injured in New York while avoiding paparazzi. Well, that's just great. Looks like we're going to war with Sweden, too.
That's all for me this week, I do hope you've had as much fun as I did! Please keep coming back for more jokes from Spencer and Earnest, and let your friends know how awesome this blog is with the magical social media buttons below. Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Oh, and congratulations to Spencer! Way to marry up, sir.
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