Did I miss anything?
Good news for Greece! Economic analysts predict that Greece is about to end their six-year recession and see some actual economic growth. Thankfully, they've offered to send us some economic ad visors.
Bad stock market news. Futures took a big hit this week when investors started to contemplate the future of the economy.
Beverly Hills 90210 stars Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are reuniting for an ABC Family pilot. It's new ground for both of them, as they'll be playing women in their early twenties.
The Treasury Department just released new $100 bills into circulation. Maybe someday someone will get to see one.
The Turkey Hill ice cream company just issued a recall for three of their flavors because they may contain metal shavings. And they're rethinking the roll-out of their new Strawberries and Broken Glass flavor.
A nine year-old boy was caught stowing away on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. So, looks like someone won't be eloping after all.
In his last address to stockholders, outgoing Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the company's best days are ahead of it, making Steve Ballmer the latest person to publicly say that Steve Ballmer sucks.
And finally, three doctors won the Nobel Prize for Medicine this week for their work on explaining how molecules move around within cells. Another Nobel Prize will be be awarded this week for someone who can explain that last sentence.
And that's it.
Showing posts with label steve ballmer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label steve ballmer. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 11, 2011
It's already Wednesday, and I'm still excited about my new boxer shorts. And just so you know, I'm open to the possibility of a celebrity endorsement deal, despite my lack of celebrity. I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be an underwear model. That's normal, right? Okay, enough of my banter.
There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.
Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.
Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.
In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.
Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.
In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)
In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."
And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.
Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!
There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.
Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.
Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.
In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.
Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.
In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)
In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."
And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.
Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 24, 2011
Yesterday in Central Falls, Rhode Island, the city fired all of its high school teachers in what sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a raucous teen comedy.
Ford Motors recalled thousands of F-150 trucks over a problem with improperly installed airbags. A spokesman for the company explained, saying, "our trucks aren't supposed to have airbags 'cause our customers don't need 'em! Airbags are for little sissies who drive Chevrolets! Right?! Yeah! Let's go get tanked! Ford tough!"
In a bold show of leadership by omission, the Obama administration will no longer be defending federal laws that ban gay marriage. Congratulations, President Obama, for being lazy enough to finally do the right thing on gay marriage!
Alleged television star and "Real Housewives" participant Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is back in the news for her upcoming appearance on Law and Order: SVU. Ms. de Lesseps said she's excited to be back in scripted television.
A recent software update from Microsoft caused some Windows Mobile devices to stop working entirely. When confronted by angry consumers, Steve Ballmer said "come on, you can't really be surprised."
Christine O'Donnell revealed yesterday that she was invited to join Dancing With The Stars, indicating that America may be out of stars. When asked if she could dance, Ms. O'Donnell replied, "no, but I also can't think in coherent thoughts, and I was almost a Senator. Why not give it a shot?"
Musician/rolemodel Sting said yesterday that he was troubled by the violence in Libya, and worried about the future of the country. Well, that's it. If you've lost Sting, you've lost Libya.
Lastly, a man jumped the barricade during a taping of NBC's Today Show, shouting "I'm God's gift to music!" before being subdued by security guards. It's the most bizarre Today Show moment in recent memory that didn't involve Kathie Lee.
That's it for me. Spencer's here tomorrow and Earnest checks in on Sunday. Tell your friends, share us on Facebook/Twitter/Buzz/CompuServe and let us know what you're thinking!
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