Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Showing posts with label scotus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scotus. Show all posts
Monday, July 1, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2013
Paula Deen went on the Today show yesterday to apologize for, you know. She appeared to break down and cry, but it turns out it was just her body expelling excess butter from her eyes.
In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.
Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.
In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."
Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.
In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.
Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.
And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.
In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.
Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.
In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."
Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.
In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.
Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.
And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013
President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.
The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.
Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.
NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.
Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.
Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.
The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"
And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.
Go Blackhawks.
The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.
Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.
NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.
Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.
Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.
The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"
And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.
Go Blackhawks.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2011
Oh my, it's Tuesday. Remember, no matter how hard you work or how great you are, it's going to be Tuesday all day long. So, just relax. And enjoy these jokes.
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
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