Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
Showing posts with label van halen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label van halen. Show all posts
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011
Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?
Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.
In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.
A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.
In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.
In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.
In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.
In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.
Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.
Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.
Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.
In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.
A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.
In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.
In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.
In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.
In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.
Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.
Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.
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