In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.
A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."
Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."
Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.
In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.
Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."
U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...
And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.
Is that it? Yes, for now.
Showing posts with label thailand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thailand. Show all posts
Monday, August 19, 2013
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012
Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.
Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...
Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.
In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."
In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!
Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:
Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."
And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:
That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.
Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...
Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.
In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."
In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!
Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:
- Looks like pandas get headaches too!
- Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
- Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
- Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.
Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."
And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:
That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 21, 2011
Hello, Thursday!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2011
NewsCorp announced this week that they are ready to be rid of MySpace, which puts them almost four years behind the rest of America. The announcement is terrible news for fans of Dane Cook and great news for people who hate java.
A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.
In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.
In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.
Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."
Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.
Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."
That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!
A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.
In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.
In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.
Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."
Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.
Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."
That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!
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