Thursday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2013

Hey, super-big blog today! Enjoy it.

In Russia, a massive snowstorm blanket the country under multiple feet of snow. So much snow fell that you can't even see the angry crowds protesting Putin. It's like his dream come true, except that the snow isn't throwing rabble-rousers out of windows.

Scientists studying tree rings found a massive burst of gamma radiation all over the planet 1200 years ago, which would account for the widespread medieval Hulkism.

New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men are joining forces for the new "The Package" tour. Too bad the package has passed it's expiration date.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he still loves Maria Shriver, probably because she didn't break his heart by having lots and lots of sex with the maid.

Scientists are looking for a more effective flu vaccine this season. Their goal is to get it so effective that it prevents the flu even in inconsiderate a-holes who refuse to get the shot.

A new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that condoms do not diminish sexual pleasure for Americans. What does diminish sexual pleasure for Americans? Calling the penis "John Boehner."

Speaking of sexiness, UK Prime Minister David Cameron promised the people of the UK an "in/out" referendum on EU membership. In/out. Member. Yep, we're classy.

An Irish council member went on record saying that drinking helped depression and mental illness. It's assumed he left out the words "cause and worsen" in his statement.

Chile is expanding its military, with a planned air base in Antarctica, which is great news for prostitutes who love the cold.

Authorities were dispatched to Chris Brown's home recently after a prankster called in a report of domestic violence. And by "prankster," we probably mean Rihanna.

Chipotle is testing shredded tofu as a meat replacement in its San Francisco stores. In a related story, Taco Bell is testing horse meat.

And finally, Manti Te'o recently spoke with Katie Couric about his fake-girlfriend-hoax scandal, leading to speculation that Katie Couric may not really exist.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 26, 2011

Yay! Keep it up! Let's get through this week! Oh, I forget sometimes how difficult it is to convey bitter, detached irony through text. Boo, hoo. Enjoy some jokes!

In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.

In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.

In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.

Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.

In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?

In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!

Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...

And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.

That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!