Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.
In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.
Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.
And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"
In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.
On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."
Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.
And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.
Later!
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013
Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 17, 2013
Fewer train delays reported in the UK this year, thanks to a decline in thefts of rail cable, copper, and other valuable metals. Great, so now even the scrap metal industry is in the crapper.
This week marks the 101st birthday of North Korean legend, founder, and human deity, Kim Il-Sung. This message was brought to you by Smucker's®.
American Airlines flights ground to a halt yesterday due to a computer malfunction. But the airline quickly repaired the issue and was back to running an hour behind like normal.
The Detroit Lions signed the Norwegian YouTube sensation known as "Kickalicious" to a contract as Kicker for the team. And the moral of the story is, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and never give up, you too can live out your dream of playing for the Detroit Lions.
Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering is joining the cast of "Chippendales" all-male dance revue. A spokesman for Ziering said he's finally putting himself through college.
The city of Czestochowa, Poland, just unveiled a new statue of Pope John Paul II. According to the city, the statue weighs five tons, is 45 feet tall, and "humble as fuck!"
A new poll puts Anthony Weiner in second place in the NYC mayor's race, which is ironic because his pole put him out of a job.
His penis-pole.
And finally, giant African land snails are invading Florida, so get ready for a punchline swarm...
This week marks the 101st birthday of North Korean legend, founder, and human deity, Kim Il-Sung. This message was brought to you by Smucker's®.
American Airlines flights ground to a halt yesterday due to a computer malfunction. But the airline quickly repaired the issue and was back to running an hour behind like normal.
The Detroit Lions signed the Norwegian YouTube sensation known as "Kickalicious" to a contract as Kicker for the team. And the moral of the story is, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and never give up, you too can live out your dream of playing for the Detroit Lions.
Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering is joining the cast of "Chippendales" all-male dance revue. A spokesman for Ziering said he's finally putting himself through college.
The city of Czestochowa, Poland, just unveiled a new statue of Pope John Paul II. According to the city, the statue weighs five tons, is 45 feet tall, and "humble as fuck!"
A new poll puts Anthony Weiner in second place in the NYC mayor's race, which is ironic because his pole put him out of a job.
His penis-pole.
And finally, giant African land snails are invading Florida, so get ready for a punchline swarm...
- The snails revealed they were relocating to Florida during an hour-long prime time press conference on ESPN. And they're not the slimiest to ever do so.
- Can't wait to see how much cocaine a snail can do.
- Who knew snails could grow a mullet?
- Send the snails to Disney's Wild Adventure, and someone there will be happy to kill them all.
- They're only the second-most ridiculous villain on Dexter.
Fin. Later, gaters!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2012
Hot news for hot people! Let's have some jokes!
In Olympic news, seven athletes from Cameroon have surreptitiously left the Olympic village, meaning that the country has totally won the Defecting for Economic Reasons event!
The NFL's first female referee said she isn't intimidated by her new role, promising that she can be just as awful as any male referee. Go get 'em!
In economic news, McDonald's blamed the sluggish economy for weak sales last quarter. Also, no toys.
Productivity among U.S. workers rose 1.6% during the 2nd quarter this year, leading to speculation that Facebook must have been down at some point.
Hurricane Ernesto is weakening over southern Mexico, probably due to diarrhea. Wouldn't be the first.
In Louisiana, a charter school is forcing girls to take pregnancy tests, and will ban any pregnant girls from school. This may be illegal, though, considering it violates the "No Fetus Left Behind" Act. Also, why would a school want to expel students who can pass a standardized test?
Gillian Anderson is back on the market, after breaking up with her longtime partner Mark Griffiths, and somehow I just got a boner in the year 2000.
And finally, the latest film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has been pushed back to a summer 2013 release, presumably to add more Channing Tatum and make it 3D.
Carol Channing Tatum. Think about that image.
Okay, that'll do, pig. And by "pig" I mean "the part of my brain that writes jokes." Bye!
In Olympic news, seven athletes from Cameroon have surreptitiously left the Olympic village, meaning that the country has totally won the Defecting for Economic Reasons event!
The NFL's first female referee said she isn't intimidated by her new role, promising that she can be just as awful as any male referee. Go get 'em!
In economic news, McDonald's blamed the sluggish economy for weak sales last quarter. Also, no toys.
Productivity among U.S. workers rose 1.6% during the 2nd quarter this year, leading to speculation that Facebook must have been down at some point.
Hurricane Ernesto is weakening over southern Mexico, probably due to diarrhea. Wouldn't be the first.
In Louisiana, a charter school is forcing girls to take pregnancy tests, and will ban any pregnant girls from school. This may be illegal, though, considering it violates the "No Fetus Left Behind" Act. Also, why would a school want to expel students who can pass a standardized test?
Gillian Anderson is back on the market, after breaking up with her longtime partner Mark Griffiths, and somehow I just got a boner in the year 2000.
And finally, the latest film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has been pushed back to a summer 2013 release, presumably to add more Channing Tatum and make it 3D.
Carol Channing Tatum. Think about that image.
Okay, that'll do, pig. And by "pig" I mean "the part of my brain that writes jokes." Bye!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2012
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's happenin'? It's Thursday already. Seems like just yesterday it was Wednesday. Oh, we were so innocent then. Not so innocent: these jokes.
Enjoy them!
In North Carolina, a food inspector at a local school confiscated a preschooler's homemade lunch. Although in his defense, the kid did tell him it was chicken-fried boogers.
Advisors for President Obama say his upcoming speeches on the economy will highlight what he calls "insourcing" by employers. I think that means he'll be talking about Jeremy Lin.
Speaking of Lin, the new basketball phenom said he's enjoyed playing for the New York Knicks, but looks forward to someday playing for an NBA team.
A so-called boy genius just published a memoir about his time spent in college as an eight year old. Some genius. He goes to college 13 years before he can drink.
Sony music apologized yesterday for hiking the price of Whitney Houston albums following the star's death. A spokesman for the company said "we meant no disrespect to Ms. Houston or her fans. We're just trying to exploit both as much as we possibly can for financial gain."
West Hollywood musician Craig Phillips was honored by the American Guild of Organists this week. I've been assured that this isn't an innuendo.
Myspace touted a gain of one million new users last month, in a clear indication that Myspace is now retro. Please feel free to enjoy it with all the irony you can muster.
And finally, the lineup for this year's Bonnaroo music festival was released this week, in case you need something to talk about with the a-holes at Starbucks.
That's it! Have a great Thursday! And if you haven't already, and you're in the Oklahoma City area, come see me, BradChad Porter and Marc Maron at the City Arts Center this Saturday night! It's gonna be super rad.
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2011
Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2011
Hey, how are you doing? Yes, you specifically. Are you having a great day? Goodness, it's difficult to feign interest. But then again, you're reading this, aren't you? And now for jokes...
Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.
Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.
In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.
In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.
In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.
UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."
"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.
In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.
And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.
Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!
Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.
Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.
In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.
In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.
In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.
UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."
"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.
In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.
And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.
Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!
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