Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013

Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.

Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.

Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.

Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."

Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.

Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!

Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.

And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.

Cheers!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012

Three... two... one... two... three. GO!

Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.

In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.

In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.

Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.

Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.

A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."

Here's hoping, Jerry.

Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.

A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.

And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.

Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!