A team of scientists just built a machine that can identify a piece of Western music after hearing just three notes. Next, the team will build a machine that can identify a use for the previous machine.
A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.
Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.
Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.
Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.
Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?
But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.
A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.
That's all!
Showing posts with label hepatitis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hepatitis. Show all posts
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012
Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012
Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
A book publisher plans to remove racist language from the classic novels Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer to make the books more acceptable, leading to thousands of angry letters from fans of Mark Twain. A similar plan to remove racist language from Don Imus has met with zero opposition.
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