Well. A little bit has transpired since last I wrote in this blog. It's like we're living in a weird alternate universe, like the place a sci-fi protagonist has to escape from to get back to the "real" reality. It's incredibly surreal, but we now live in a world where the Cubs won the World Series.
Some other shit happened, too, but past is merely prologue and the present is just a prolapse.
Here's some jokes.
In the opening shot of a new North American trade war, Taco Bell announced they will soon be selling beer in Canada. Unfortunately, to get the beer you will have to purchase Taco Bell. Canada was still reeling from the WTO ruling that the sale of Tim Horton's coffee was considered "dumping."
Scientists have created an artificial womb to help premature babies develop after birth. The device was based on research discovered at a defunct lab dedicated to finding new weird-ass places for Michael Jackson to sleep.
Failed CEO Marissa Mayer's stake in failed internet giant Yahoo is now valued at $186 million. But that's nothing compared to the stock options Pres. Trump will cash in when he sells us off.
Fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle announced sales growth this year, and is exploring a new dessert option: Death By Chocolate. It's a departure from their previous after-dinner treat: Wish You Were Dead By Diarrhea.
Pres. Trump is re-evaluating how U.S. national monuments are created and how we can go about adding shitty golf courses to them.
China recently launched it's first domestically built aircraft carrier. The ship is a major coup for the Chinese manufacturing industry, which managed to build the entire thing out of old iPhone 6 parts.
Former Pres. Obama is in hot water with progressives after accepting $400,000 for a private speech to a Wall Street bank. They'd be even more pissed off if they knew that the speech was delivered via an unmanned drone strike.
The U.S. military is installing a "missile defense" system in South Korea in preparation for the upcoming Korean War II. Alan Alda is already at work on the M*A*S*H reboot.
The Trump administration has a record number of vacant positions, which is extremely frustrating for Russian spies.
Ivanka Trump was jeered in Germany for defending her father at a recent public meeting. And this is a nation that is still on board with David Hasselhoff's chest hair and leather shorts.
Pres. Trump is proposing changes to the tax law that would increase the number of deductions people can take. Some people accused Trump of self-dealing, but he will actually be unable to take advantage of the changes as they only apply to people who pay taxes.
Michael Flynn is hoping that Turkish Lira are going to be deductible. Or at least that they'll be accepted in the prison commissary.
/end
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
October 13, 2015: No Nudes is Good Nudes
Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.
Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.
Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.
In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.
A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.
In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.
And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.
Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.
Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.
In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.
A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.
In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.
And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
September 22, 2015: These Boots Were Made for Walker
Tennis star James Blake met with NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio yesterday to discuss the NYPD officer who assaulted and tackled Blake recently outside his hotel. Blake said it was a productive meeting, and as a result he's been offered a position with the New York Giants, training Eli Manning in the proper way to go down when tackled.
Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.
Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!
Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.
Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.
In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.
Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.
Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!
Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.
Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.
In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2013
With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.
Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.
George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.
In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.
Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."
Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.
The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.
And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.
Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.
George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.
In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.
Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."
Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.
The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.
And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 6, 2013
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says that his victory is a clear mandate from the people to take over international banks in the country. Basically, he says it's a mandate to take control of any place known for keeping an accurate count of things.
Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.
American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.
The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."
Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.
In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.
And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.
Ta.
Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.
American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.
The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."
Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.
In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.
And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.
Ta.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013
Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2013
Netflix announced that it will begin airing episodes of the hit series The Killing the day after they originally air. And they will be narrated by Ron Howard.
Daimler Motors recalled over 6,000 new A-Class Mercedes Hatchbacks after executives learned what a hatchback was.
The world's oldest complete Torah was found at an Italian university, alongside the world's oldest savings bonds and BestBuy gift cards.
That's a Bar Mitzvah joke.
Electronic music pioneers Daft Punk set a new record for plays of their latest album on Spotify. When they learned of their new album's popularity on the streaming site, members of the band started dreaming of what they will do with the zero dollars they just earned.
Internet technologists believe that using "noise-cancelling" software will increase the speed of the Internet, although it is worth pointing out that most of what's on the Internet falls under the category of "noise."
Wal-Mart agreed to pay an $86million fine for illegally disposing of hazardous fertilizer, pesticides, and other chemicals. In other news, Wal-Mart has a new store-brand antiperspirant coming out this week.
Doctors studying patient mortality found that people undergoing planned operations at the end of the week are more likely to die as a result of the procedure than people who get under the knife early in the week. Suddenly Urkel is no longer the worst thing about Friday.
And finally, Chinese hackers broke into the Pentagon's sensitive systems this week, gaining access to plans for dozens of advanced weapons systems. Analysts believe this theft will save the Chinese decades in developing pointless, expensive, and ill-advised military boondoggles. Damn it!
And that's the end.
Daimler Motors recalled over 6,000 new A-Class Mercedes Hatchbacks after executives learned what a hatchback was.
The world's oldest complete Torah was found at an Italian university, alongside the world's oldest savings bonds and BestBuy gift cards.
That's a Bar Mitzvah joke.
Electronic music pioneers Daft Punk set a new record for plays of their latest album on Spotify. When they learned of their new album's popularity on the streaming site, members of the band started dreaming of what they will do with the zero dollars they just earned.
Internet technologists believe that using "noise-cancelling" software will increase the speed of the Internet, although it is worth pointing out that most of what's on the Internet falls under the category of "noise."
Wal-Mart agreed to pay an $86million fine for illegally disposing of hazardous fertilizer, pesticides, and other chemicals. In other news, Wal-Mart has a new store-brand antiperspirant coming out this week.
Doctors studying patient mortality found that people undergoing planned operations at the end of the week are more likely to die as a result of the procedure than people who get under the knife early in the week. Suddenly Urkel is no longer the worst thing about Friday.
And finally, Chinese hackers broke into the Pentagon's sensitive systems this week, gaining access to plans for dozens of advanced weapons systems. Analysts believe this theft will save the Chinese decades in developing pointless, expensive, and ill-advised military boondoggles. Damn it!
And that's the end.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 15, 2013
During a recent speech, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky defended his stance on the civil rights movement, saying that his support for the Civil Rights Act has "never wavered." Nope, it's stayed perfectly stable at "zero."
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013
Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.
Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.
On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.
In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.
Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."
A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.
I don't know what that means.
A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.
Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"
And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.
And that's it! Later, cats.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013
Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.
IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.
Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.
On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...
Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.
Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.
At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”
South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.
And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.
And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012
Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - June 18, 2012
Gonna make this quick and weird, 'cause I'm on vacation/recovering from surgery/getting married this week. And with that, let's get to joking!
Soap, people.
A top secret spy plane operated by the US Air Force has reportedly returned to Earth after spending an impressive 469 days in orbit, say mission commanders who are not familiar with the phrase "top secret."
In Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood is claiming victory in national elections, thanks in large part to their platform of "Jobs, financial responsibility and education." Wait, no, hold on a second, that platform was actually "Fuck Israel."
In other politics, Greece's center-right pro-bailout coalition won a slim victory in parliamentary elections, narrowly beating out the Night Rider from Mad Max and Tina Turner's character from Beyond Thunderdome.
In New York, protesters staged a silent march against the NYPD's stop-and-frisk tactics of targeting minority youths for police harassment. The march lasted longer than planned, though, as the cops stopped and frisked every young minority they saw.
The Roman Catholic Church has dismissed a poll suggesting the majority of people in Scotland support same-sex marriage, saying the poll is faulty due to its "reliance on scientific methodology."
Governor Romney called President Obama's decision to stop deporting illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children an election-year political move meant to capitalize on the human emotion of love for children.
In Oregon, a 67 year-old woman was trapped under a dresser for four days. Next time, buy Ikea. No one ever got trapped under a piece of furniture that falls apart in a strong breeze.
And finally, an Oregon man contracted the plague recently after trying to remove a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat. Said the man, "it's okay, this is actually a two-fer on my 'Incredibly Disgusting' scavenger hunt."
Soap, people.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2012
Bring it on, friends. Let's have some laughs, eh?
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 13, 2011
It's finally Thursday, everyone! No sketch this week, just some good old fashioned topical humor. "Enjoy!"
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 1, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday, or as the Germans would say, "Das Wednesday." I just came from a show at an international youth hostel in New York. Turns out my set is just as funny to people who don't speak English. I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 10, 2011
Things remained generally bad all over this week, but I think we all can agree that Pia's getting voted off American Idol was probably the worst thing that happened. In Libya, they stopped shooting for a moment just to remind each other that if they wanted their favorites to stay, they needed to be sure to call in and text their votes.
Japan has banned planting rice in contaminated soil. The group most likely to be affected by this are the asian restaurants, which had started asking customers if they wanted brown rice or really brown rice... It’s kind of funny to me that the government had to ban planting in irradiated soil. That means there were some farmers out there who were just saying “Let’s see what happens!” All those weird Japanese monster movies and anime should start with a scene of farmers planting rice in contaminated soil with a subtitle “He ate a bad sushi roll.” It would automatically explain everything that happened in the movie. “It’s a pink tentacle that rapes because its insecure at not having been able to grow up as a regular green tentacle thanks to that contaminated rice, man. Keep up. This shizz is happening every day.”
Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”
The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.
Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”
The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.
I’m not making this up: Blue Man Group have started their own preschool for their kids. They didn’t feel the other schools in New York were creative enough for their kids. Man. One of the only things worse than being home schooled would be being home schooled by Blue Man Group. The only thing worse than being homeschooled by Blue Man Group is being homeschooled by Blue Man Group at the Blue Man Group school.... Admission is 28,000 dollars, but before you balk at the price, remember that's going to pay for all the blue body paint you and your kids are going to use that year. It’s also the best way to make sure your child gets into the more competitve Blue Man Academies.
We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.
We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.
That's it for now. Don't forget to come back all week for more jokes from Seth and Spencer!
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