Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 1, 2012

Happy May Day! How will you be celebrating? Perhaps by angrily taking to the streets? Or dancing happily around a large pole? Either option is equally valid. First, enjoy some jokes.

Presidential "candidate" Mitt Romney said that just like President Obama, he also would have ordered the raid on bin Laden's compound last year. But he would have ordered it from China.

A woman was just rescued in Utah after spending four days stranded in the desert. Or as the rest of us call it, "being in Utah."

Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire, is now building and plans to sail a ship called "Titanic II" from London to New York. James Cameron responded to the news by saying "I love sequels!"

The Macmillan Cancer Support charity in England says that not enough women are using sunscreen. It also kindly offered to help women apply the sunscreen. And, you know, maybe get a drink afterward?

United States armed forces are joining the hunt for African mega-bastard Joseph Kony. Has anyone checked Pakistan?

The HDNet channel is launching a reality show about the women at a legal brothel in Nevada. Hmm. Television program about legally-sanctioned prostitutes? Didn't that used to be called C-SPAN?

BOOM!

In Murfreesboro, Tennessee, a trial is underway to prevent the construction of a mosque in the town on the grounds that the Imams might start teaching evolution.

And finally, Microsoft just bought a sizable stake in Barnes and Noble's Nook device, so look out for them to stop working any time now.

That's it! But since you've been so good, enjoy this May Day goodness:

"May Queen," by Liz Phair. Not related to Brian May of Queen.

Hey, how about the Haymarket riots?

That's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 13, 2011

Fifty percent and counting. Today's a big day. Let's make some funny.

In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.

In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.

In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?

In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."

In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.

This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."

In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.

And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...

Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2011

Happy Monday, everybody, and happy beginning of Spring! Wanna see if this season is as funny as the last one? Let's dive in.

In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.

In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"

In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"

In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."

In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.

In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.

In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.

In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.

In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!

Have a great day!