Did you know that Wednesday has absolutely nothing to do with the name Wendy. That's true. The rest of this not.
The Algerian government decided to end state control of television in the country. They might change their mind after the first season of Bachelor Pad: Algiers.
In Baltimore, some of Archimedes' hidden writings are going on display. The recently recovered writings include the earliest known status update.
In Europe, a non-profit group is putting up 1million Euros to fund an open source version of the Windows operating system. No word yet about how much money will be spent funding open source viruses.
Leila Lopes of Angola was crowned Miss Universe this month. Her first order of business: get the hell out of Angola.
In the literary world, a campaign is underway to save the hut that Roald Dahl wrote his most beloved works. Unless that hut had free wifi and a Starbucks, I'm not sure how he wrote anything there.
Have you heard of Comodohacker? No? Of course not, because he's a computer hacker. Anyway, this jerk Comodohacker bragged recently that he's broken into Windows servers, and can now issue fake Windows updates. Great. So now I've gotta waste even more time downloading updates? If I'd actually paid for my Microsoft products, I'd be pissed off right now.
In entertainment news, famed sensitive man Mel Gibson is set to direct and possibly act in an upcoming film about the Jewish historical icon Judah Maccabee. Hey, great job controlling the media, guys.
And finally, famed tele-jerk Jon Gosselin has some advice for his ex-wife, Kate, following her appearance in People magazine. He said... oh, let's just boil it down and translate it for her: don't marry douchebags. Got it?
Got it. Okay, that's all for now. You've been super great, everybody. I'll see you tomorrow, right?
Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label kate gosselin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kate gosselin. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2011
Happy Kayobi to you, everyone. That's the Japanese word for "Tuesday," which literally translates to "fire day." Sounds more exciting than "Mexican pizza in the cafeteria day," doesn't it? Alright, that's enough learning. Let's get on with making fun of stuff and things.
Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.
In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.
In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.
In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.
Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.
Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.
And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."
And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!
Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.
In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.
In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.
In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.
Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.
Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.
And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."
And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2011
Happy Tuesday, unless you're in London, in which case, LOOK OUT! Here's some jokes.
A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.
Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.
For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.
Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.
Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.
In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...
Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!
And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"
That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.
Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.
For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.
Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.
Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.
In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...
Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!
And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"
That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
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