Hey, where ya been?
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
Showing posts with label navy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label navy. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2012
Good day, friends. Let's make light of it all.
Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.
No one wants to see that.
Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.
The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.
In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."
That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...
Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.
In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.
In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.
And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.
THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!
Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.
No one wants to see that.
Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.
The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.
| There you go. |
In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."
That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...
Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.
In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.
In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.
And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.
THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2011
We all need a distraction from time to time. Today, like every other day, it's gonna be jokes.
Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.
A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.
The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.
Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"
The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.
Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.
Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.
And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.
That's all for today! See you tomorrow!
Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.
A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.
The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.
Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"
The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.
Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.
Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.
And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.
That's all for today! See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
A book publisher plans to remove racist language from the classic novels Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer to make the books more acceptable, leading to thousands of angry letters from fans of Mark Twain. A similar plan to remove racist language from Don Imus has met with zero opposition.
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