Some half-and-half for your coffee this morning? As in "the week is half-over, and these jokes are half-funny." Enjoy.
Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant. The actress announced her pregnancy via Twitter as an April Fool's joke this week, then revealed the hoax. She said she was overjoyed to see how many people cared about her, but you know, not enough to do something about her.
In Seattle, 44,000 people requested season tickets for a hypothetical NBA franchise in the city. That number is expected to fall once they realize it's the Sacramento Kings.
A sheep in the U.K. gave birth to a healthy lamb with five legs. Scientists predict the lamb will be 25% more filling than a normal lamb.
Archaeologists found the long lost ruins of a site known as "The Gate to Hell." The Turkish ruins are thought to be the world's first bank.
Online game company Zynga will begin offering gambling with real money today, so now they can lose your money even if you don't invest with them.
Viewers are flocking to webcams on Animal Planet's website that feature a wide range of animals in their natural environments. The idea came from The Jersey Shore.
A Pittsburgh man is accused of stealing promotional cakes from a "Cake Boss" event. In a related story, his prison nickname will also be "Cakes."
And finally, Hillary Clinton supporters have already started raising money for her possible run in 2016. Fundraisers cannot wait to see who she loses the nomination to next.
And that's it!
Showing posts with label lindsay lohan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lindsay lohan. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 16, 2013
Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012
Good morning, my friends.
Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.
Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."
In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.
A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.
Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.
Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.
Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.
Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...
And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.
That's the end!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012
Here's some jokes.
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012
I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2012
Happy Thursday to all you Gregorian calendar-aficionados! Let's see what's funny.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012
No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011
Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 13, 2011
Hey, how about Buffalo? Did you know they have their own bread? It's called "weck." Yep. That's a true story. Everyone else calls it a Kaiser roll. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you get stuck at the Buffalo airport? Oh, and also, you can write jokes. Jokes like these:
Schools in southern California are reporting a surge in tuba thefts. Police are looking for suspicious people with tuba-shaped bulges under their shirts.
Biologists have finally discovered how large birds, like the ostrich and emu, are able to sustain erections without blood flowing to the member. One of the proud discoverers said of the announcement, “Yep, we figured it out. Now can we please stop studying bird erections?”
Speaking of bird boners, Fear Factor is back on NBC, forcing contestants to confront their fears and endure disgusting trials for big cash prizes. On next week’s premier, contestants will be forced to watch an entire episode of Whitney.
Election observers in the Ivory Coast reported a low turnout in their recent parliamentary elections. But come on, turnout is always low for elections in non-coup years.
Last week, a judge ordered a French man who is obsessed with Kirsten Dunst to stay away from the actress. And to make sure this obsession ends, the stalker will be forced to watch Spider-Man 3 and Elizabethtown. That should take care of it.
Speaking of particle physics, the Higgs boson particle was finally seen at the Large Hadron Colider. It was spotted with Ryan Reynolds, but then again, who hasn’t been?
Remember Lindsay Lohan? She said recently that she realizes now she should have listened more to people offering her advice, and that she could have avoided most of her problems if she’d just made better decisions. The full interview will be published in next month’s issue of No Shit magazine.
And finally, North Korea warned South Korea not to put up Christmas lights on a South Korean observation tower at the Demilitarized Zone, saying that such a display would cause “unexpected consequences.” In case you were wondering, that is what a War on Christmas actually looks like. Happy Holidays, people.
Yep. That ends Tuesday's blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 23, 2011
Restrain yourselves, people. It's only Thursday. Let's have some jokes.
Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.
Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!
In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.
In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.
Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.
The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.
Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.
Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!
In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.
In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.
Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.
The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.
Lastly, in Colorado, police alleged that a peeping tom hid in porta-potty tank to watch people use the restroom, and when discovered, he made his escape while still covered in poop. I think he was probably just washing off his Jack in the Box burger. BOOM! TRIPLE CALLBACK! That's it! It's the turd-trifecta! I've completed my shitty trilogy, and I thank you for coming along with me.
Ending my week with a poop joke? Shit yeah.
Eat your fruit, have a great day, come back again soon! Spencer's here tomorrow, so you should be, too.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2011
Happy Monday! Do you smell something roasting? You probably will in about 30 seconds.
In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.
In movie news, Fast Five brought in $83Million this weekend, making it number one at the box office. Despite the success of the film, distributor Universal is demanding that the next installment star Jay Leno and his collection of old cars.
In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.
In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.
In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.
And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.
Have a great day!
In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.
In romantic news, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn publicly confirmed that they are in a relationship. They previously announced it on an episode of The Tonight Show, but since no one saw, they felt they needed to announce again.
In videogame news, a surprising number of Sony Playstation Network users are sticking with the company, even after their credit card numbers and email addresses were stolen by hackers last month. One consumer explained "we can forgive them; after all, it's not like they cancelled Conan O'Brien."
In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.
In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.
In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.
And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 28, 2011
So, this is Thursday, traditionally known as Ladies' Night. Congratulations, ladies. Make it count. Okay, whatever. Enjoy these jokes.
President Obama released his full birth certificate yesterday, and it turns out he's actually from America. And his birthday is coming up. I'm sure Orily Taitz will be getting him a great birthday present. 'Cause she's so damn classy.
Lindsay Lohan said she wants an Oscar by the time she's 30. Apparently she's already staked out Marisa Tomei's house.
She also said she was numb after hearing that she would have to go to jail. In a related story, Bernie Madoff would give anything for certain parts of himself to be numb.
A new company is marketing low-proof booze. It's sold along with novocaine condoms and decaf espresso.
In Washington, Rep. Dean Heller will fill John Ensign's empty Senate seat. Hope he washes it first.
Steven Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith and currently of American Idol, said in a recent interview that he joined the show to prove a point to his former bandmates: that he can ruin music without them.
In San Francisco, a group is lobbying to ban circumcisions. They had trouble gaining popular support with their first slogan, though: "hands off our penises."
And finally, doctors in the southwest found that armadillos are spreading leprosy, which would explain why Jesus is spending so much time with them.
That's it for me! Spencer is here tomorrow, and Ernest is here on Sunday, so come back and get your fill of funny.
And if you're in Hoboken or the NYC area this weekend, come see me at The Clam Broth House in Hoboken, Friday at 9 pm or Saturday at 7 pm at the Eastville Comedy Club. Do it!
And gave a great day.
President Obama released his full birth certificate yesterday, and it turns out he's actually from America. And his birthday is coming up. I'm sure Orily Taitz will be getting him a great birthday present. 'Cause she's so damn classy.
Lindsay Lohan said she wants an Oscar by the time she's 30. Apparently she's already staked out Marisa Tomei's house.
She also said she was numb after hearing that she would have to go to jail. In a related story, Bernie Madoff would give anything for certain parts of himself to be numb.
A new company is marketing low-proof booze. It's sold along with novocaine condoms and decaf espresso.
In Washington, Rep. Dean Heller will fill John Ensign's empty Senate seat. Hope he washes it first.
Steven Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith and currently of American Idol, said in a recent interview that he joined the show to prove a point to his former bandmates: that he can ruin music without them.
In San Francisco, a group is lobbying to ban circumcisions. They had trouble gaining popular support with their first slogan, though: "hands off our penises."
And finally, doctors in the southwest found that armadillos are spreading leprosy, which would explain why Jesus is spending so much time with them.
That's it for me! Spencer is here tomorrow, and Ernest is here on Sunday, so come back and get your fill of funny.
And if you're in Hoboken or the NYC area this weekend, come see me at The Clam Broth House in Hoboken, Friday at 9 pm or Saturday at 7 pm at the Eastville Comedy Club. Do it!
And gave a great day.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011
Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 13, 2011
Today's jokes are brought to you by NPR, who wants to remind you that even with all their bosses having been fired and Congress threatening to take away their funding, they are still accepting your donations and tips on job openings.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to be representing himself in court. Hes accused of paying for sex with a minor. Of course, he's offended at the accusation; he's never had to pay for sex! And as a business owner, he knows that paying a minor for sex would be a clear violation of Italy's child labor laws. I'm kidding. Italy has no child labor laws. That's actually going to be his defense.
Lindsay Lohan showed up in court this week. She left without a plea bargain but with a gavel, the bailiff's wallet, two watches, and a set of car keys for which she's still trying to find the matching car.
Michele Bachmann made a pretty big mistake this week, telling a crowd in New Hampshire that they were in the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. Of course, that actually happened in Massachusetts. I think people should give her a break, though. She's already demonstrated a problem with looking off slightly to the right. Apparently that also extends to maps. Of course, the people of New Hampshire were happy just to be recognized for anything, even if by accident. With Bachmann outflanking her in Dumb, Sarah Palin is going to have to turn up the Crazy if she has any hope of standing out during the Republican primaries.
Opening night for Spider Man Turn Off The Dark has been pushed back again-- this time to the middle of June. Despite being in previews, it remains Broadway's highest grossing musical week after week. Amtrak is taking notes. They didn't know people would pay to watch a trainwreck.
There's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading through Facebook and Twitter. A viral outbreak with Charlie Sheen as the source? Come on, you knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.
That's it for now. Come back all week for Seth and Spencer!
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to be representing himself in court. Hes accused of paying for sex with a minor. Of course, he's offended at the accusation; he's never had to pay for sex! And as a business owner, he knows that paying a minor for sex would be a clear violation of Italy's child labor laws. I'm kidding. Italy has no child labor laws. That's actually going to be his defense.
Lindsay Lohan showed up in court this week. She left without a plea bargain but with a gavel, the bailiff's wallet, two watches, and a set of car keys for which she's still trying to find the matching car.
Michele Bachmann made a pretty big mistake this week, telling a crowd in New Hampshire that they were in the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. Of course, that actually happened in Massachusetts. I think people should give her a break, though. She's already demonstrated a problem with looking off slightly to the right. Apparently that also extends to maps. Of course, the people of New Hampshire were happy just to be recognized for anything, even if by accident. With Bachmann outflanking her in Dumb, Sarah Palin is going to have to turn up the Crazy if she has any hope of standing out during the Republican primaries.
Opening night for Spider Man Turn Off The Dark has been pushed back again-- this time to the middle of June. Despite being in previews, it remains Broadway's highest grossing musical week after week. Amtrak is taking notes. They didn't know people would pay to watch a trainwreck.
There's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading through Facebook and Twitter. A viral outbreak with Charlie Sheen as the source? Come on, you knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.
That's it for now. Come back all week for Seth and Spencer!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2011
Hoo, boy. It's Tuesday, and we've got a great blog for you. Here's some real things that happened, but with fake stuff added for comedic effect:
The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.
In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.
In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."
In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.
In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.
In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.
China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."
Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!
That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.
Aloha!
The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.
In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.
In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."
In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.
In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.
In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.
China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."
Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!
That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.
Aloha!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2011
Welcome to the new week, everyone! It's gonna be a blast! Oh, whatever. It's Monday. Get through it. These jokes might help.
This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.
In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."
Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.
In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.
In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...
In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.
In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.
And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.
That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.
Onward to Tuesday!
This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.
In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."
Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.
In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.
In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...
In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.
In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.
And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.
That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.
Onward to Tuesday!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2011
Hey, it's Wednesday! Can you believe it? Yeah, it's actually pretty believable considering yesterday was Tuesday. Also believable: we've got some jokes! Let's read 'em!
In political news, Senator Harry Reid wants to ban brothels in his home state of Nevada. Pundits in the state are calling the move "unexpected," and "a major-league cock-block."
In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi said he will not step down from power and vowed to become a "martyr" for Libya. The statement was met with great support from the people of Libya. Well, at least the "martyr" part.
In legal news, musician and pugilist Chris Brown is asking for his restraining order to be relaxed, allowing him to get closer to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. When asked why, he responded, "oh, no reason in particular. I just don't like being told where I can and can't go, you know? It just makes me so angry! Oh, thinking about it makes me wanna choke someone! Wait, what were we talking about?"
In other Brown news, Senator Scott Brown claimed this week that Lindsay Lohan "can do better and be better," saying the troubled actress could still overcome personal adversity like he did. When asked if he thought she could someday become a senator, he said "oh, sure. Just not a very good one. Clearly."
In non-royal wedding news, Ziona Chana, the 66-year-old leader of an obscure Indian religious sect, has married his 39th wife. When asked why, he explained "there's no religious reason for it, I'm just a huge cock-blocker. NOBODY GETS ANY BUT ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"
Speaking of jerks, professional villain Jesse James is writing a memoir, presumably because he has so much to say. The book will include a foreword from a large piece of human excrement, which will likely be the most thoughtful and well-written part of the entire book.
In Afghanistan, local police forces have started hiring criminals, in one of the clearest possible signals that they've just given up on law enforcement. Either that, or someone in HR started watching The Mod Squad.
Lastly, a new Facebook app allows users to track the relationship status of people they are interested in dating, which will make the whole "stalking" process a lot more efficient. A companion app, however, is in the works which would send reminders to you when your stalker's restraining order is about to expire. Chris Brown called it "a total cock-block."
That's it for today, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed the diversion! If so, tell your friends! Tell them in person or tell them electronically (see below). As always, I cherish your feedback, so sound off if you have anything to say. Remember, it's the Internet, so everyone's voice is valid and important.
See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2011
Okay, so here are some jokes.
In celebrity news, police responded to a break-in at the house of Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. They found a disoriented young woman in the home, but it turned out to not be Lindsay Lohan.
The Grammys aired on CBS on Sunday, bringing in the audience highest for the show in the last 11 years. However, that number is still a fraction of the number of people downloading illegal copies of "Born This Way" on Sunday night.
Before the Grammys, a local CBS reporter covering the red carpet became briefly disoriented and spoke incoherently on the air. She has since been accused of plagiarism by Glenn Beck.
During the show, Christina Aguilera fell onstage, which was just seven days after she botched the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, which means that someone is totally getting their money's worth out of that gypsy curse.
A medical study revealed that energy drinks are bad for small children. A parallel study of Youtube videos found those same children to be hilarious when given Red Bull.
In sports news, Tiger Woods was fined in Dubai for spitting during a tournament this weekend. Thankfully he apologized quickly, or else his public image could have been seriously damaged. Oh, and he was also spitting on a hooker. I mentioned that, right?
Elsewhere in the Arab world, the Egyptian military has declared martial law, much to the dismay of pro-democracy protesters. When pressed for comment, a spokesman said "we're the military. Martial is the only law we have."
At the CPAC rally this weekend, Rep. Ron Paul won a Presidential straw poll, making him the Esperanza Spalding to Mitt Romney's Justin Bieber. What's that? You didn't get that one? Maybe that's because nobody cares about the Grammys.
Lastly, laughing gas is coming back into use for women giving birth, so we'll soon have lots of stories that begin with "remember when I laughed so hard a person shot out of my vagina?" Thank you, science.
That's it! See you tomorrow!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 6, 2011
It's been quite a week what with all the upheaval in Egypt and, domestically, my new haircut.
Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak is receiving pressure from all sides to step down from his post as President of Egypt. It's made him wistful for the past. He just keeps asking "Whatever happened to the good old days when a person could work one place his whole career until he was ready to retire?" A spokesman for the President insists "Mubarak wants to leave office, but have you seen the traffic in the streets? There are people everywhere! We're probably just going to hang out here and wait for traffic to get better in a couple hours to a couple decades."
Politics in Egypt are crazy right now, but politics in America are insane. Sarah Palin filed to trademark her name and image this week. She's hoping to get approved in time to market her signature line of school supplies and educational materials for Back To School. When it comes to education, go with the name you trust: Sarah Palin. I'm kidding. She's really hoping to market a new Sarah Palin board game. An old man rolls the dice, and then Sarah Palin gets to move all the way to the head of the Republican Party.
This week Google accused Microsoft's Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation. Microsoft responded by accusing Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation.
Scientists have discovered that dogs are better at smelling Colorectal cancer than blood tests are at finding it. Said the scientists, "Apparently, dogs are exceptionally good at sniffing butts. Who knew?" I guess all these years dogs have been giving each other free cancer screenings. So that explains that, but what are they looking for in your crotch?
And finally Lindsay Lohan is in trouble, again. Honestly. She has 1.6 million followers on Twitter, and I bet half of them are law enforcement. Allegedly, she stole a necklace from a jeweler in Venice Beach. Professionals see this as Lilo "acting out." They say it's a desperate cry for jewelry. She's had a hard life. It's hard for kids who grow up in front of the camera... taking mug shots.
Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak is receiving pressure from all sides to step down from his post as President of Egypt. It's made him wistful for the past. He just keeps asking "Whatever happened to the good old days when a person could work one place his whole career until he was ready to retire?" A spokesman for the President insists "Mubarak wants to leave office, but have you seen the traffic in the streets? There are people everywhere! We're probably just going to hang out here and wait for traffic to get better in a couple hours to a couple decades."
Politics in Egypt are crazy right now, but politics in America are insane. Sarah Palin filed to trademark her name and image this week. She's hoping to get approved in time to market her signature line of school supplies and educational materials for Back To School. When it comes to education, go with the name you trust: Sarah Palin. I'm kidding. She's really hoping to market a new Sarah Palin board game. An old man rolls the dice, and then Sarah Palin gets to move all the way to the head of the Republican Party.
This week Google accused Microsoft's Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation. Microsoft responded by accusing Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation.
Scientists have discovered that dogs are better at smelling Colorectal cancer than blood tests are at finding it. Said the scientists, "Apparently, dogs are exceptionally good at sniffing butts. Who knew?" I guess all these years dogs have been giving each other free cancer screenings. So that explains that, but what are they looking for in your crotch?
And finally Lindsay Lohan is in trouble, again. Honestly. She has 1.6 million followers on Twitter, and I bet half of them are law enforcement. Allegedly, she stole a necklace from a jeweler in Venice Beach. Professionals see this as Lilo "acting out." They say it's a desperate cry for jewelry. She's had a hard life. It's hard for kids who grow up in front of the camera... taking mug shots.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Gwenyth Paltrow recently credited her costar Robert Downey, Jr. for teaching her how to convincingly play a drug addict. In response, Downey said "I do not remember that at all."
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