Hey, where ya been?
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
Showing posts with label julie taymor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label julie taymor. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 20, 2012
Good Tuesday to you! Has your bracket exploded yet? What about some other sporty terms? Yeah, you know it! Okay, how about a joke or eight?
In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.
Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.
Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.
A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.
Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.
The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.
The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.
And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.
That's all! See you tomorrow!
In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.
Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.
Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.
A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.
Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.
The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.
The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.
And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.
That's all! See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011
Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 21, 2011
Hello, Thursday!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 10, 2011
Happy Thursday! We've got a great blog for you this morning. Let's get started.
In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"
In a story slightly less stomach-turning, Gwyneth Paltrow is finalizing a record deal, which is good news for people who were getting tired of just hating her in movies and television. Oh, and she had a cook book, right? Yeah, that probably irritated some people, too.
Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.
In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.
In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"
The Toyota Motor Company announced this week a new goal of selling 10 million vehicles each year. Also part of the goal: recalling fewer than 10 million vehicles per year. Dream big, Toyota.
Food safety inspectors in the UK ruled that ice cream made from human breast milk is safe for consumption. Also deemed edible by the UK: sausage made from coagulated blood and jelly made from eels.
Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.
In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.
And finally, Julie Taymor was fired this week from the troubled Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. When asked what she would have done differently, knowing what she does now, she said "first, I wouldn't have let Bono pick that stupid-ass name, as it obviously cursed us. I believe in a just and loving God, and there's clearly no place in His world for a successful musical with a name that stupid. Good luck fixing that fuster-cluck, you Disney ass-clowns!" She then added, "anybody need a musical directed? Anybody? Crap."
That's it for me this week, but come back tomorrow and Sunday for hilarity from Spencer and Earnest, respectively.
Now, this is the spot where I normally ask you to repost this or email it, or whatever, but today, I'd rather you visit one (or more) of these sites:
and show your support for the effort to remove Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker from office, because he is a total douche bag, and in 299 days the good people of Wisconsin can recall his sorry ass. Add your voice to the chorus and let Wisconsin know we've got their back.
That's all for now! See you next time!
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