More jokes!
In Russia, an Islamist sect was found living underground for nearly a decade. Some of them had never seen the sun at all. It’s almost like they’d been playing World of Warcraft.
Gallup revealed that Congress’ approval rating is at an all-time low this year, making John Boenher and Harry Reid the Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake of sucking at government.
Stuntman and douchebag Bam Margera was detained and handcuffed at the airport this week for reeking of booze. He was also detained and handcuffed at Whole Foods for reeking of booze, and at the Zoo, and the mall... He’s got problems.
Zoologists in Florida captured a giant python this week, and found it was carrying over 80 eggs. They’re speculating that it was in Florida hoping to talk shop with the Octomom.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to deliver the keynote speech at this year’s GOP convention. It’s going to be the first time the speech has to be bleeped.
Things are looking bad at Groupon, the daily deals website. Rumor is that their salespeople are ready to jump ship, which would explain why the website is offering so many deals on cheap salesman rentals.
In India, police blocked famous yoga guru Baba Ramdev from marching on parliament to protest corruption. However, he was allowed to defiantly crabwalk on city hall. Baby steps.
And finally, according to a recent workplace satisfaction study, Facebook is no longer one of the greatest places to work. It is still one of the greatest ways to waste time at work.
More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label harry reid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label harry reid. Show all posts
Monday, August 20, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2012
Late edition! Still relevant, probably!
Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.
Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.
Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.
Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.
Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.
General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.
And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.
That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.
Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.
Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.
Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.
Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.
General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.
And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.
That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 2, 2012
Happy 2012! Did you make any New Year's resolutions? Probably not, because you're awesome, right? No need to change. But not everyone is so lucky. So, I've made a few resolutions on behalf of public figures who could use a new direction. Oh, and they're mostly funny.
For Chris Hanson, I resolve to invite someone over for drinks without posing as a 12 year old.
For John Boehner, I resolve to be less godawful at my job.
For Michele Bachman, I resolve to do something different with my eye makeup, or wear glasses or do something to look less creepy and intense all the time.
For Harry Reid, I resolve to not be held hostage by a Republican minority unless, you know, it involves legislation based on Democratic principles or would help the American people.
For Michael Bay, I resolve to blow some stuff up.
For Mitt Romney, I resolve to take a position on something. Doesn't matter what.
For Rupert Murdoch, I resolve to check my voicemail more often.
And finally, for Donald Trump, I resolve to quit being such a douchebag.
That's all for now! Tomorrow will be back to normal. Sure hope we get some news before then. Until that time, have a great day!
For Chris Hanson, I resolve to invite someone over for drinks without posing as a 12 year old.
For John Boehner, I resolve to be less godawful at my job.
For Michele Bachman, I resolve to do something different with my eye makeup, or wear glasses or do something to look less creepy and intense all the time.
For Harry Reid, I resolve to not be held hostage by a Republican minority unless, you know, it involves legislation based on Democratic principles or would help the American people.
For Michael Bay, I resolve to blow some stuff up.
For Mitt Romney, I resolve to take a position on something. Doesn't matter what.
For Rupert Murdoch, I resolve to check my voicemail more often.
And finally, for Donald Trump, I resolve to quit being such a douchebag.
That's all for now! Tomorrow will be back to normal. Sure hope we get some news before then. Until that time, have a great day!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2011
Happy Tuesday! I had some Benadryl tonight, so I need to finish this befoer e;oahe; ks.
Okay, so here's 8 things you should know about the Congressional budget deal!
1. The plan includes sever funding cuts for FEMA; fortunately they have a rainy day fund.
2. The deal won't be passed this week, as the House is closed for Rosh Hashanah. Apparently the House of Representatives is part of Hollywood.
3. The proposed bill will keep the government running for the next six weeks, at which time surely all this partisan bickering will be over with.
4. The Senate initially rejected the deal due to their own internal split on the best way to destroy the country.
5. The cuts to FEMA will be balanced off with private funds, meaning that we will now have corporate branding for all future disasters. Get ready for Hurricane iPhone!
6. The plan includes a provision put in by Senate Republicans to garnish 100% of Harry Reid's lunch money, forever.
7. The congressional record of debate on this package now includes four hours of Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reciting "yo mamma" jokes directed toward Eric Cantor (R-VA).
8. The final deal includes $450 million to repair roads, but none that "poor people use."
That's all! Get yourself back here tomorrow, there will probably be more stuff like this waiting for you. That's all for now! Until then, have a great day!
Okay, so here's 8 things you should know about the Congressional budget deal!
1. The plan includes sever funding cuts for FEMA; fortunately they have a rainy day fund.
2. The deal won't be passed this week, as the House is closed for Rosh Hashanah. Apparently the House of Representatives is part of Hollywood.
3. The proposed bill will keep the government running for the next six weeks, at which time surely all this partisan bickering will be over with.
4. The Senate initially rejected the deal due to their own internal split on the best way to destroy the country.
5. The cuts to FEMA will be balanced off with private funds, meaning that we will now have corporate branding for all future disasters. Get ready for Hurricane iPhone!
6. The plan includes a provision put in by Senate Republicans to garnish 100% of Harry Reid's lunch money, forever.
7. The congressional record of debate on this package now includes four hours of Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reciting "yo mamma" jokes directed toward Eric Cantor (R-VA).
8. The final deal includes $450 million to repair roads, but none that "poor people use."
That's all! Get yourself back here tomorrow, there will probably be more stuff like this waiting for you. That's all for now! Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2011
Hey, it's Wednesday! Can you believe it? Yeah, it's actually pretty believable considering yesterday was Tuesday. Also believable: we've got some jokes! Let's read 'em!
In political news, Senator Harry Reid wants to ban brothels in his home state of Nevada. Pundits in the state are calling the move "unexpected," and "a major-league cock-block."
In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi said he will not step down from power and vowed to become a "martyr" for Libya. The statement was met with great support from the people of Libya. Well, at least the "martyr" part.
In legal news, musician and pugilist Chris Brown is asking for his restraining order to be relaxed, allowing him to get closer to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. When asked why, he responded, "oh, no reason in particular. I just don't like being told where I can and can't go, you know? It just makes me so angry! Oh, thinking about it makes me wanna choke someone! Wait, what were we talking about?"
In other Brown news, Senator Scott Brown claimed this week that Lindsay Lohan "can do better and be better," saying the troubled actress could still overcome personal adversity like he did. When asked if he thought she could someday become a senator, he said "oh, sure. Just not a very good one. Clearly."
In non-royal wedding news, Ziona Chana, the 66-year-old leader of an obscure Indian religious sect, has married his 39th wife. When asked why, he explained "there's no religious reason for it, I'm just a huge cock-blocker. NOBODY GETS ANY BUT ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"
Speaking of jerks, professional villain Jesse James is writing a memoir, presumably because he has so much to say. The book will include a foreword from a large piece of human excrement, which will likely be the most thoughtful and well-written part of the entire book.
In Afghanistan, local police forces have started hiring criminals, in one of the clearest possible signals that they've just given up on law enforcement. Either that, or someone in HR started watching The Mod Squad.
Lastly, a new Facebook app allows users to track the relationship status of people they are interested in dating, which will make the whole "stalking" process a lot more efficient. A companion app, however, is in the works which would send reminders to you when your stalker's restraining order is about to expire. Chris Brown called it "a total cock-block."
That's it for today, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed the diversion! If so, tell your friends! Tell them in person or tell them electronically (see below). As always, I cherish your feedback, so sound off if you have anything to say. Remember, it's the Internet, so everyone's voice is valid and important.
See you tomorrow!
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