Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012

Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...

Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.

In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."


In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!

Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:

• Looks like pandas get headaches too!
• Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
• Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
• Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.

Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."

And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:

That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2012

Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.

This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.

In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.

Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.

Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.

Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.

Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.

Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.

And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.

Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 18, 2011

Let's get this week started right, by making fun of serious things that happened in the world.

In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.

In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.

This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.

Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.

In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.

Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.

I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.

And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."

That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!