Jim Carrey said yesterday that he can no longer support his own film, Kick-Ass 2, due to it's objectionable content. Yet he still stands behind Batman Forever.
Coy Mathis, a 6 year-old transgender girl in Colorado, just won a seven-month legal battle to gain the right to use the girls' restroom at her school. And just in time, because seven months is a loooooong time to hold it.
George Lucas just got married. Thankfully, he did not write the vows.
NBA legend Scottie Pippen was questioned by police about his involvement in an altercation that sent a man to the hospital. Probably because Scottie hit the dude with all his NBA Championship Rings! What you got, LeBron? Two? That's not gonna send anyone to an urgent care clinic.
Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to prison and banned from office for having sex with an underage girl. He nearly got away with it, though, but he made the fatal mistake of being a complete scum ball.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden pulled a feint and did not show up for his flight from Moscow to Havana. He is becoming the hardest guy to plan a surprise party for.
Tennis star and culture-critic Serena Williams apologized again for making an insensitive comment about the Steubenville rape victim. Serena said "I can't believe I put myself in this position."
And finally, according to the CDC, the newest strain of the bird flu "kills more than a third" of its victims. So it's a bad day to be a bird! Or a person. Seriously.
Bye!
Showing posts with label george lucas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label george lucas. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012
Hillary Clinton was released from the hospital this week after receiving treatment for a blood clot in her head. Doctors expect her to make a full recovery. And what's more, they expect the pain in her ass to subside as soon as John Kerry is confirmed by the Senate.
Hormel, the makers of SPAM just bought Skippy Peanut Butter. It is unclear what their endgame is, but it's fairly clear that it would have killed Elvis.
Speaking of Elvis, a high school in Utah had to cancel a musical based on his songs after a complaint was lodged that the music was too sexually suggestive. That complaint came from 1956.
A federal court ruled this week that giving the middle finger to a police officer is protected speech under the Constitution. Also, your finger cannot be made to testify against itself. Fingers have rights.
And finally, George Lucas got engaged to his longtime girlfriend this week...
Have a great weekend!
Hormel, the makers of SPAM just bought Skippy Peanut Butter. It is unclear what their endgame is, but it's fairly clear that it would have killed Elvis.
Speaking of Elvis, a high school in Utah had to cancel a musical based on his songs after a complaint was lodged that the music was too sexually suggestive. That complaint came from 1956.
A federal court ruled this week that giving the middle finger to a police officer is protected speech under the Constitution. Also, your finger cannot be made to testify against itself. Fingers have rights.
And finally, George Lucas got engaged to his longtime girlfriend this week...
- Their wedding band will be the Mos Eisley Cantina band.
- George is writing his own vows. Aintitcool.com has already posted a leaked copy.
- The bride and groom for the top of the cake will be manufactured by Hasbro.
- Liberal use of CGI on the honeymoon video. And a pointless appearance by Jar-Jar Binks.
Have a great weekend!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 5, 2012
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]
So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.
Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.
China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.
The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.
In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.
George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.
No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.
And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.
That's all for now.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]
So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.
Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.
China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.
The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.
In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.
George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.
No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.
And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012
Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011
Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?
You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.
In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.
Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.
Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.
Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.
In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.
The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.
And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.
And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.
In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.
Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.
Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.
Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.
In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.
The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.
And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.
And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
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