Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 17, 2013

Fewer train delays reported in the UK this year, thanks to a decline in thefts of rail cable, copper, and other valuable metals. Great, so now even the scrap metal industry is in the crapper.

This week marks the 101st birthday of North Korean legend, founder, and human deity, Kim Il-Sung. This message was brought to you by Smucker's®.

American Airlines flights ground to a halt yesterday due to a computer malfunction. But the airline quickly repaired the issue and was back to running an hour behind like normal.

The Detroit Lions signed the Norwegian YouTube sensation known as "Kickalicious" to a contract as Kicker for the team. And the moral of the story is, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and never give up, you too can live out your dream of playing for the Detroit Lions.

Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering is joining the cast of "Chippendales" all-male dance revue. A spokesman for Ziering said he's finally putting himself through college.

The city of Czestochowa, Poland, just unveiled a new statue of Pope John Paul II. According to the city, the statue weighs five tons, is 45 feet tall, and "humble as fuck!"

A new poll puts Anthony Weiner in second place in the NYC mayor's race, which is ironic because his pole put him out of a job.

His penis-pole.

And finally, giant African land snails are invading Florida, so get ready for a punchline swarm...

• The snails revealed they were relocating to Florida during an hour-long prime time press conference on ESPN. And they're not the slimiest to ever do so.
• Can't wait to see how much cocaine a snail can do.
• Who knew snails could grow a mullet?
• Send the snails to Disney's Wild Adventure, and someone there will be happy to kill them all.
• They're only the second-most ridiculous villain on Dexter.

Fin. Later, gaters!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 13, 2012

Nothing you can do about it now. It's Tuesday. And it's gonna be for a while. Hopefully this will help you pass the time.

Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.

Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...

Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.

In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.

In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.

Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.

And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.

...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!

...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.

... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?

... They were on their way back from a night of carousing and debauchery at the local ankle bar.

... Too bad for them there was a Witness to the crash.

... Clearly, somewhere, someone just lost a bet.

... The man is part of a new road safety campaign. "Buckling up isn't just for hats"

... At least his insurance won't go up. Because the Amish can't buy insurance. Because it's against their religion.

... Still way more interesting than NASCAR.

Okay, that's it for today. Let's try again tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012

Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.

North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.

In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.

In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.

Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.

George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.

Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"

And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.

...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!

...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.

...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.

...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.

...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.

...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com

...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.

Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!