Anything happen this weekend?
Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.
At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."
Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.
Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.
In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.
Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.
And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.
And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label the hills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the hills. Show all posts
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2011
Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. I was rained on *and* managed to get some sunburn. That's effective time management, right? Speaking of effective time management, I've managed to write these timely jokes for you. Effective... now!
Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!
Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.
Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.
In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?
In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.
In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"
In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."
An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.
And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!
Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!
Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.
Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.
In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?
In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.
In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"
In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."
An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.
And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2011
Happy ___day, happy ___day! Just don't use the first three letters, and it'll be a lot happier. Also, these jokes might help.
Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
In sporting news, the Women's World Cup of Football (soccer) got underway in Europe this weekend, giving American sports fans three separate reasons to not give a shit about it. Keep it up, America! This totally isn't getting old!
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.
Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.
For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.
Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!
Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.
Speaking of junk, there was some bad news for former stars of MTV's totally unscripted reality series The Hills. Yeah, this week Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard split up after three years of tolerating each other. Apparently it took them this long to figure out they weren't on television anymore. No word as to Jerry Seinfeld's possible involvement.
In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.
Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!
Have a great day!
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